We all make mistakes. As young professionals in particular, we are still learners, and so screwing up is just an expected part of our personal and professional evolution. And when those inevitable errors result in problems or pain for others, we turn to genuine apology as a means to right our wrongs and keep that evolution on track. But while learning how and when to apologize is certainly a necessary YP skill, it seems today that the words “I’m sorry” are so often thrown around like casual conversation, causing them to lose much meaning and effect. In order to keep genuine apology as the important tool it is meant to be, we offer these notable tips to help differentiate those occasions that warrant a true “I’m sorry” or just a simple “so what.”
So what?
“I’m sorry” can be a very powerful statement. It can also be bull. By apologizing too often, passive aggressively or, worst of all, insincerely, we can actually cause ourselves and others more harm than good. While owning up to our mistakes and making things right is generally a good rule of thumb, there are occasions when it can be more beneficial to skip the sorry and opt for the “so what.” Here are examples of such occasions:
It’s a repeat mistake: After the first “I’m sorry,” the words tend to lose meaning. If you keep making the same mistake, save your sorry and instead focus your efforts on just being better. Actions speak louder than apologies. (For tips on how to stop screwing up, see this past Notable article).
To make yourself feel better: Apologizing to someone to absolve your own guilt is not only selfish, but counter productive. All you’re doing is making it easier on yourself to do it again. Instead, indulge and utilize that guilt to help yourself improve.
To make yourself look better: Saying sorry in order to save or improve your rep is one of the most common forms of baloney apologies. It’s also one of the most obvious. Keep your public displays of remorse to a minimum, or risk making that rep even worse.
When you’re not actually apologizing: Statements like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” “I’m sorry that this happened,” or anything starting with “I’m sorry, but…” are not actual apologies, and they aren’t fooling anyone. Unless you are genuinely remorseful for what you have done, then just don’t say anything.
You don’t mean it: From a young age we have been taught how and when to say sorry, but with less focus on why. And so as kids we were often made to do it just to be polite. We’re not kids anymore. Apologizing should only be done when we are genuinely sorry. In other words, if you don’t mean it, don’t say it. Own your actions and beliefs and don’t apologize for them if deep down you believe you are right.
I’m Sorry
To determine those occasions when saying sorry is appropriate and necessary, there is really only one criteria: you just know you’re wrong. Feelings of regret, remorse, and general wrongness are largely undeniable. Such feelings can manifest themselves as knotted stomachs, dry mouths, pounding hearts, or weak knees. They can cause awkward interactions, sleepless nights, and even wavering self worth. As young professionals, we must be careful not to allow bravado or over-confidence to sway us into ignoring these feelings as they serve a very important purpose: to indicate to ourselves that something isn’t right, that something needs to change, and that someone may require an apology.