We don’t know you, but given that it’s the weekend we’d probably be relatively accurate to assume at least some of you are dealing with some sort of backlash from whatever poison you subjected yourself to last night.
It’s OK, it happens to all of us sometimes.
Hangovers come in degrees, of course, ranging from the manageably meek to devilishly debilitating; some spur deep internal strife, while others can be chased off with a morning Caesar.
We hope one of the following does not apply to you today. And if it does, just know that you’re not alone.
The 24-Hour Famine
Last night’s vicious mix of spirits and brews has literally washed away your appetite; it takes just the smallest bit of matter entering your mouth to trigger a reckless wave of nausea. Your stomach is pissed, and there’s nothing you can do to appease it. What’s worse, you’ll have to forgo the most redeeming part of a hangover – next-day brunch. Don’t worry, your friends will have a great time without you. Our condolences.
The Unfortunately Long Weekend
This is not a good thing. You’ve boozed to such an extent on Friday that now both Saturday and Sunday are write-offs, and you’d be lucky to scrape back into the office Monday morning at full health. The pain and discomfort of your actions are so long-lasting that you’ve considered a trip to the emergency room just to make sure your condition isn’t terminal. Morphine sounds like an acceptable cure to you. The nurses do not agree.
A Day in the Desert
There are simply no liquids, nutrients, or particles of value left within the eroded innards of your body, and your status as a living corpse persists throughout the day no matter how you try to replenish yourself. You dream of the day water will feel wet again, and are bogged down by the weight of your sand-filled extremities. It is simply too dry to exist, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Retirement Calling
Will this be the last time you drink? Of course not, but you’re happy to tell yourself that and post it to Facebook (how original; we hope no one reacts to your seeking sympathy). Despite the fact that you’ll want to act like a hero again at the bar by the time Thursday rolls around, you’re fully off the wagon – or is it on the wagon? – and don’t plan on getting back on anytime soon.
The Physical
Your body is a canvas of turbulence, emitting sensations you didn’t even realize a human being could experience. It feels like Avicii is playing a 24-hour set in your cranium, your brain is being used as a soccer ball, and your stomach turns at the helter-skelter pace of a laundromat. You’re freezing and sweating all at once, and absolutely nothing makes sense; you’re puzzled, literally and figuratively, and that’s really all there is to it.
Would a heart monitor register a response? Does it even matter? Does anything…?
The Weight of the World
Your physical condition is a burden, but your conscience is just an outright nightmare. You’ve never been more uncertain about what you did last night, but you do know it’s deeply regrettable. It sucks not to know, but it’s probably even worse if you did find out. Your broken phone is a blessing in disguise.
If you’ve made it this far down the page without a trip to the bathroom, bed, or doctor, congrats – you’re probably fine.
*Consult professional help if you achieve two or more of these designations in one weekend.
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