Have you ever been mo’ excited than you are right now for this year’s Movember madness???
We mo’ we’ve never been mo’ excited.
Are we mo’ver doing the whole “mo” thing?
Mo way.
One of the big questions on everyone’s minds during a fashionable fundraising festival is: “What’s in?” Realistically, there are only so many moustaches from which to choose and depending on hormonal compositions, only so many physically available to the players – i.e. not everyone is a moficient mo-grower.
But each year there tend to be some styles that are mo’ popular than others and some styles that should be mo’ popular than the rest.
With that said, here’s our list of the most mo’table mos to grow and look out for this November…
The Bard
As the 25th highest grossing movie of all time, pulling in just shy of a billion dollars worldwide, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug gave us perhaps the most widely admired mo’ since last Movember. Its appeal is in its ironic contrarianism, symbolizing a virtuous man caught within the fragmented juxtaposition of rules, integrity, and tradition, while attempting to maintain whole form as a trichotomous man of enriched body, spirit, and soul (patch).
Oh, what the hell are we talking about – it’s great if you’re pressed for time and you want to rock a moustache but you also kinda don’t. It also looks pretty good with a man-bun, which is apparently now a real thing we’re being forced to deal with. Go with just the tightly curled upper lip “bow” or add the quills underneath to step just outside the bullseye. If anyone rocks this and raises even 1 millionth of what the movie did, they’ll be a respectable contributor to the Movember cause.
The Mo’gan
“God created the Heavens, he created the Earth. He created all the Hulkamaniacs! Then he created a set of 24-inch pythons, brother!
He may have also created the most symmetrical, 90-degree, snow-tinted mustache in history. This does take some time to cultivate, and likely 10-20 years of injecting steroids into your glutes, but many will pull it off from both the skin up and the beard down. Nobody says you can’t look stylish and tough for Movember, so don’t be surprised if you end up seeing a few Hulk Mo’gans flexing around.
The Split-Screen
What could be more stylish and manly than having a part in your moustache. And for those out there who still get goosebumps sifting through Groupons, this is like the “2-for-1” of moustaches. What makes this style so accessible is that it’s technically a sub-style of every other moustache, so no matter what you go with, you can always spice it up by mo’wing a strip right down the middle. Which side is his good side? Both sides is his good side.
The Woolley Mammoth
And David Suzuki thought they were extinct. TAKE THAT GLOBAL WARMING. This face-mitt is not only practical for the winter and the thrillingly mysterious type of man (Does he have a mouth? Does he not have a mouth?) but it shows a special breed of dedication. Few people would so gallantly support global men’s health at the expense of kissing other humans, ingesting solid foods, and being able to smell things other than their own moustache. We shall proudly salute those that rock this mo’ this year as they are true saints of species’, both alive and extinct.
The Douche
The Douche actually has nothing to do with the form or style of a specific cookie duster but instead attaches itself to a particular type of individual vainglorious enough to sport a ‘mo without actually helping to support the entire purpose of Movember – raising funds to combat prostate and testicular cancer and mental health challenges. These men should be stripped of their stache rights in a public humiliation ceremony.
The Prince Pencil
Also known as The HB and The Third Eye(brow), this is both a classic and a contemporary. It was coined in the days of Errol Flynn and Vincent Price, resurrected and sexified by Prince and has now been mainstreamed by Hollywood hunks like Johnny Depp, George Clooney, and Brad Pitt. It’s easy, it’s fast, it’s relatively unobtrusive, and if someone had a mild puberty, it’s still within reach. Or they can just follow the instructions in the name and scribble the thing on. To summarize, this Mo has Prince’s seal of approval – and as we’re all aware, he was one “Sexy Mo-Fo”.
The Hipster
Realistically, they’re everywhere already. You can’t buy a coffee, a cold beer, or a cut of meat without mo’ving in next to one of these nose-neighbors, so now they’ll be multiplying like plaid mice in the cold attic of a bicycle shop. But for one month of the year, they’re not only tolerable; they’re encouraged. During Movember anyone and everyone is welcome to ride the stubby handlebars as long as they raise some awareness and some cash for the cause. So curl those corners and dust those rugs; these Hipster fur is gonna give a lot of people the warm and fuzzies.
The Selleck
Obviously the gold standard in Movember rankings. These gifted individuals must thank their genes every autumn morning for providing them with the perfect excuse (see: good cause) to flex their flavour savour power. Also known as The Chevron, this is the highest level of aesthetic grace a moustache can reach. If god sports a ‘mo, it looks like this. No compliments are necessary – your jaw dropping to the floor and the subtle tear sliding down your face is enough to let him know you’ve recognized the raw beauty standing before you.
#NOTABLE
Cover image from: istock.com/simonekesh
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