This post is brought to you by Atlas Communications.
If there’s one thing in life that’s for certain, it’s that young professionals living in Toronto absolutely love Uber.
But what makes UberX stand out as a service is all of the amazing characters behind the wheel that we get to share an intimate space with for 15-20 minutes, or however long the duration of the trip.
How many of your unexpectedly unreal nights out start with an amazing Uber driver that sets the tone with the perfect beats? How many almost-late-for-work days were saved by the speed-demon Uber driver who knew every important short cut? And what’s a Sunday morning without the involvement of the non-judgmental driver dropping you off at brunch for mimosas in last night’s outfit?
As an ode to some of city’s most beloved characters, we’ve rounded up the 9 kinds of Uber drivers we all know, love, and should probably track down so we can send them a fruit basket or something.
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1. The Impresser
You know who we’re talking about. This is the Uber driver that is SO obsessed with his or her rating they almost remind you of that one over-eager significant other you finally brought home to meet the family.
This driver will first offer you a Werther’s Original, then a bottle of water, and some free Wi-Fi that they’re streaming from their iPhone. Whether you go all in or politely decline, they will then ask you at least one of the three following questions: “Is the temperature okay in here?” “Is this radio station okay?” “Is your phone charged?”
Consider yourself lucky if you land in The Impresser’s Uber – you’ll arrive at your destination more hydrated, your phone will have a greater battery life, and your breath will be smelling super sweet, too.
2. The Chatty Cathy
The Chatty Cathy Uber can be the greatest Uber driver in the world or the absolute worst depending on what kind of mood you’re in.
The Chatty Cathy literally wants to know everything about your life, and they also want to tell you their complete life story and all of the reasons why they love working for Uber.
If you’re tired after a long day at work, or super hungover, you’re probably not going to appreciate The Cathys of the city in the way you should. However, if you’re in a chatty mood yourself, you will most likely develop a close friendship at a record-breaking speed.
If you’ve never exchanged (real) numbers with an Uber driver, have you even lived?
3. The DJ
This Uber driver usually drives a perfectly pristine white car that has a leather interior you can tell is vacuumed daily. He’s got all the cool new tunes from your favourite rappers, claims he has a personal connection to Drake and/or The Weeknd, and of course, he’s got a few of his own mixes he would like you to have a listen to.
The DJ is the perfect driver for a night out on the town and is notorious for working the Friday and Saturday late night shift because he just wants to get the people grooving. But proceed with caution, or else he may try to sell you his mixtape.
4. The Inspirational Life Coach
A personal favourite. The Inspirational Life Coach just gets you.
When you’re speaking with them, you can actually feel every wall you’ve ever built up around your cold heart come crashing down, and yes, your soul just cosmically collided with theirs.
Trust us, they DO exist, and they will offer you so much useful advice you will be seriously considering hiring them as a life coach before the ride is over.
They will also most likely recommend you a few books in order for you to take full control of your life and turn around to make eye contact at the end of the ride so you know it was real.
5. The Overly Cautious Dad in the Mini Van
This Uber driver has no idea where he’s going, what he’s doing, and relies on his GPS far more heavily than any driver should. But he’s just so adorable you can’t bear to give him the 3-star rating he deserves.
The best thing about The Overly Cautious Dad is that he’s driving a massive minivan and is oblivious to his children’s toys scattered on the floor, the McDonalds wrappers stuffed under the seat, or the fact that you can hardly squeeze into his van between the numerous car seats.
He also won’t start the car until your seatbelt is on and is SO concerned about you making it to your destination safely and in good time.
As he pulls over to the side of the road, he tells you for the 10th time to look both ways before you get out of the car. A not-so-casual “thanks Dad!” slips from your lips, so instead of looking both ways you just run. As fast as you can.
6. The Hipper-Than-Thou Driver
Also known as the “Cool Driver,” this driver has lived in Toronto all of his or her life and has a never-ending wealth of information when it comes to the city.
They know exactly where to eat, where to drink, fun things to do, and cool places to go – bonus points if it’s on the cheap.
You know you’ve landed in The Cool Driver’s car when you find yourself subtly questioning every going out decision you’ve ever made in Toronto, and pull up notes on your phone so you don’t miss a thing, including the spelling of that new sushi place.
7. The Non-Judgmental Sunday Morning Driver
You know the story – you wake up with no clue where you are and it takes about 10 seconds to realize you did not make it home to your apartment last night.
Thankfully your phone’s still at 10%, so you grab an Uber and get the hell out of there. You’ve hit the jackpot and your Uber is a super sympathetic driver who gives you that one look, hands you a water bottle, and asks if you need to charge your phone.
They ask you no other questions as you sit quietly in the backseat while you re-evaluate your life for the third time since New Year’s Day. Not that we’ve been in that situation before. Ever. Twice.
Mario Anzuoni/Reuters
8. The Overly Aggressive Driver
The Overly Aggressive Driver sounds awful, but it’s all about timing with this one.
On a regular day you might sit in the back seat, clutching the door handle so hard your knuckles turn white. But when The Overly Aggressive Driver comes to the rescue on that one day you were too late to walk or take the TTC – you will be eternally grateful.
9. The Score Driver
Also known as the “Did I Just Order UberBLACK by Accident?” Driver. They are the unicorns of Uber drivers but they’re out there, you’re just not Ubering enough.
Once you’ve established that no, this is still UberX, you spend most of the trip mentally questioning how this person is driving Uber but also maintaining insane insurance payments and maintenance costs.
The Score is also used to driving around downtown Toronto, plays cool music, and is able to get you where you need to be in record time. Yes, The Score is a godly creature, and they are the reason the 5-star rating system exists in the first place.
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