Historically, my dating life could be characterized by either running from the ‘nice’ ones as they tried to catch up, or – a favourite pastime – chasing after the bad boy, unavailable type.
But that seems to be the case for most young professionals (YPs) when we have limitless options at our fingertips and nobody is in a mad rush for the white picket fence.
An addiction to the chase is a very real thing; and if it comes easy or too available, most of us don’t necessarily want it (thanks, though).
We like to know that we’ve worked for it, that it wasn’t handed to us (or thrown at us), and that we won’t be smothered in the event of a relationship. If you have the upper hand from the second date, it’s often accompanied by the feeling that he or she isn’t “the one” – otherwise, you’d have the need and desire to try harder to impress (am I right?)
Meaning, dating them would mean settling. And ‘settling’ isn’t part of the vocabulary for savvy, connected and driven YPs. Ever.
We don’t want to settle in our careers, with subpar workouts, in our choice of winter vacation, or in our selection of potential significant others. We want exceptional; to know that he or she is worth giving up the freedom and spontaneity (as in, a random makeout at a concert) that comes with a pretty sweet single life; someone who is worth the accompanying compromises and sacrifices that comes with a relationship.
On a rare occasion, in the early stages of the pursuit and capture (what used to be known as the ‘courtship’ before things like Tinder screwed it all up), the two of you actually end up gracefully colliding halfway. Nobody is chasing, nobody is running. And that’s a beautiful thing.
You know, the kind of thing where you’re actually excited rather than annoyed to see yet another text message from the other person; where each of you gets an equally goofy grin when the other’s around, and where neither of you are too available because you’ve got equally as much going on in life.
When this organic reciprocity happens, it’s usually the precursor to a new, exciting relationship – or at least a steamy fling. The key, of course, is maintaining this even playing field once the shine of a new relationship starts to fade, as it inevitably does.
Not wanting to settle should involve the desire for a healthy challenge once the relationship materializes. You must challenge your partner as much as they challenge you to avoid one party from trampling all over the other. An even playing field means that the power shifts back and forth in a way in which nobody has the upper hand for too long. It’s one of the most essential ingredients to a healthy relationship, and it’s also one of the most difficult to find.
As the cliché goes, relationships are about give and take – and that couldn’t be truer when it comes to shifts in power. You need a sense of challenge, to be able to call one another out if the other is being an asshole, to stand your ground when it comes to what you consider fair in the relationship, and for your partner to keep you on your toes.
When one person is too available or agreeable, the other may test them to see how far they can push the them. Sure, it’s not necessarily “nice,” but it happens whether subconsciously or not. This also comes with the subsequent potential of one person taking advantage of the other, while the other voicelessly accepts their subordinate place in the relationship.
Finally, a healthy power struggle also keeps the relationship less routine, predictable, or monotonous – the biggest fear that most of us have when it comes to settling down.
Basically, if there isn’t an even playing field from the start, you may set yourself up for a life of complacency for one of you… and boredom for the other.