So you’ve moved in together.
They’ve cleared out a drawer for all your worldly possessions and you’re 90 per cent sure you’ll be spending the rest of your life with this human. Now you can afford to relax a little. Let your hair down (the plug hole), put your feet up (on their precious sofa) and really be yourself (yes, that means farting).
And if you’re not there yet – oh, just you wait – then watch out for these tell-tale signs you’ve become far too comfortable with your other half.
1. Expired dinner reservations.
If you made dinner and they didn’t get home in time, you’re not waiting for them. You’re hungry, they’re late, and if we’re being honest, we couldn’t be bothered to set the table anyway.
2. Sharing is caring.
The ‘if I lick the spoon it’s mine’ rule no longer applies. Let’s be real: once you’ve swapped fluids, there is no going back. What’s yours is theirs… even if you really, really wanted the last bite of it.
3. Mirror, mirror.
In many ways your partner has now become a living mirror. But not only do they serve to point out the things you have acquired on your face, up your nose, or between your teeth, they will also remove it for you (and won’t wait until the two of you are alone).
4. Tub time is not a solitary endeavour.
There are no quiet bath times with mood lighting and relaxing Enya music. There are, however, many interrupted tub sessions when your significant other decides he can’t wait any longer to use the toilet and you regret not buying scented candles.
5. Using the bathroom with the door open.
Whether you were in such a rush to get there you forgot or you simply want some companionship while doing your business, you can never truly reverse an open-bathroom-door policy. You have now set a precedent for the rest of your relationship whereby doors have become obsolete (unless you have a fight and then they’re very handy for slamming).
6. Hair; hair everywhere.
Once guys have got over their initial panic that their girlfriend is going bald, he’ll just be mad every time he sees a hairball lying around the place. While shedding is at its most intense level in and around the shower area, it’s not confined to the bathroom. Expect to find hair just about everywhere. In shoes, in cupboards, and even in your Calvin Kleins.
7. Getting undressed.
Chances are you’ll be undressing in front of your bf most nights, so sexy strip teases are out and awkward sock removal is in. Plus, when we’re layered up for winter, you may need to be rescued from inside your sweater from time to time. Moulin Rouge it isn’t.
8. Talking in weird voices.
Admit it, snugglebear. You have a widdle woice that you like to use with your bae and you probably have more than one nickname for her. And while you’d never confess to having them in front of friends, there was that awkward time you had to explain why you called them ‘cuddle muffin’ in your WhatsApp group.
9. Bedside manner.
Some say no man is an island. But those who say it probably never found the perfect pillow and organised their nightstand in order of things they need in the morning. Your side of the bed is its own bed and anyone who tries to encroach upon it is looking for trouble. There is a snuggle window, but after lights out it’s every man for himself.
10. Duvets at dawn.
You have (kind of) accepted that you will never equally share the duvet. You will however wake at least three times in the night, shivering and clawing desperately at the bed sheets that appear to be stapled to the area surrounding your partner.
11. Netflix and snack.
You understand that equilibrium is key – which is why you have become adept at balancing the dinner plates on your lap while he manoeuvres the Netflix-primed iPad on his. Readjustment will be factored in to counteract glare and needs little to no communication.
Tweezers at the ready. If one of you spots a stray eyebrow hair, it’s fair game. The same goes for pimple extractions, particularly in hard to reach areas like your back. If it’s good enough for monkeys, it’s good enough for us.
13. Let’s get it on?
After a few years together, you no longer need a precursor to having sex. The normal cues, like being naked, are no longer relevant when you spend most of your waking hours together. And if you eat together every night, candlelit dinners are unrealistic. A simple, “sex in 10?” is so much more efficient.
14. Date nights/Text marathon.
When you do make it out to a restaurant for date night, you’re free from the domestic chores and distractions that normally surround you. So it tends to be used as an opportunity to catch up on replying to messages from your friends and your mother, where you’ll ignore each other completely.
15. Phone etiquette.
Gone are the days of prefacing a phone call with the cursory “hello.” We’re all busy people, so if we need to know where the f**k you’ve hidden the Apple TV remote control, we’re just going to get straight to the point.
With a constant companion, there is never a missed opportunity to stock up on private giggles that only you understand. Whether it’s from a TV show you’ve been watching or a particularly lol-worthy autocorrect, there’s bound to be a slew of these running witticisms between the pair of you. Just don’t attempt to explain them to outsiders, who will find you insufferable.