It’s impossible to live in Toronto without coming across some kind of noteworthy character almost every single day.
Whether you’re riding the rocket, walking your lab, or chugging a pint, you’re bound to encounter someone who’s only one audition away from landing their own sit-com.
At first, some of them can rub you the wrong way. Hell, some you might even want to mace. But when you step back and look at the big picture, you realize that it’s precisely this eclectic cast that makes life in The Big Smoke such a vibrant, entertaining reel.
So, Toronto characters: we salute you. You might be frustrating, weird, and a bit jaded, but you’re family.
The Eaton Centre Evangelist
Oh you, and your whacky pamphlets. Where did you even get that microphone and that cute little amplifier? We’ve gotta buy some jeans now, so no, we don’t want to know what Jesus said to the goat, but you just go right ahead and yell it at the hot-dog vendor. This is your corner and we’re happy to have you on it.
The Subway Busk(rock)er
HOLY #$&%, IT’S SLASH! Oh, sorry. We thought you were someone else. But MAN, can you shred on that taped-up Fender. We swear; with a drummer, a bassist, some vocals, a keyboard, a plan, and some better acoustics than Eglinton Station (maybe Castle Frank?), you’d sound exactly like GNR. You keep rocking, my man. Thanks to you that walk from the turnstiles to the platform is going to be the most bodacious 12 seconds of everyone’s day.
The Hipster Bar Owner
As young professionals, we, more than anyone, appreciate your enthusiastic resurrection of the age-old slogan: the customer is always annoying. Yes, we’ll wait 9 minutes for a beer and no, we don’t care that nobody’s ever heard of it. You’re right; Tecumseth Tire-Kicker IPA does sound like the perfect ale to enjoy while sitting in one of the 5 seats in this fine establishment. The aesthetic prowess of your haggard moustache is surpassed only by the brilliant decision to decorate your bar like an abandoned attic. Cheers, Hipster Bar Owner – we can’t read your chalkboard writing, but we’re sure it says something cynically awesome.
The Too-Cool-For-School Cab Driver
What? You want us to pay? Gosh, we weren’t even sure you knew we were back here. You had us guessing with those 5 words you’d scream into your Bluetooth every 51 seconds, but we should have known you had it under control when you used that side-view mirror to check your eyebrows. Nice gloves, by the way. Here is your fare, good sir – plus a little something extra for getting us to our destination without-but-almost killing us.
The Infinitely Entitled Cyclist
No no! Our car most certainly does not need that half of the only available lane on this major artery; it’s aaaall yours. We too are sick and tired of cyclists having to be cautious and reasonable just because an entire planet agrees that city roads are primarily for motor vehicles. What do they know?? We tip our preposterous-looking helmets to you (even though you’re not even wearing one), Toronto Sultan of the Cycle; although you might be choking them to death in those bike shpants, we know you’ve got a pair.
Toronto Batman
Mr. Wayne: thank you for making the streets of Toronto safer. We sleep soundly knowing that when we’re out at night, and you’re near us, we won’t be the ones getting our ass kicked. Your cheesy wit, throaty voice, bespoke costume, and your questionable decision to expose your real name are all unmistakeable qualities of a world-class part-time-pseudo-super-hero-street-comedian. We might call this place Toronto, but we want you to keep thinking of it as Gotham.
The Stand-Up Comedian Streetcar Driver
Wait. Wait. We can’t breathe. Stop. Stop for a second. Our face hurts. Wait. Ok. Ok. Now you can go. What is the difference between a streetcar and a colonoscopy?? It’s w- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, mercy. Are we ever glad we took the 501 today. All we can say is that we’re lucky NBC doesn’t know about you, Streetcar Seinfeld. Not only are you getting us home safely but your jokes are so good, the guy next to us just peed himself! Oh, wait. Never mind – I think he was gonna to do that anyway.
The Never-Made-It-But-Still-Thinks-of-Himself-As-A Hockey Player
Your. Hair. Looks. AMAZING. Well, at least the part we can see flowing out the back of your mesh hat. Your passion and dedication to our country’s national sport is nothing short of inspirational. You might be forced to kill time with a measly 6-figure salary in some silly finance job you earned at your dad’s friend’s company, but we know where you’d really be if knees and brain injuries didn’t matter. Take home that Tuesday night league trophy; you deserve it. And next time we bump into you wearing Under Armour in Yorkville, it’s a round of Powerades on us.
The Dog-Hating Dog Owner
We are ashamed. You’re right to give us those dirty looks, Dog-Hating-Dog-Owner; our mutt is an unruly maniac who barks, humps, and wrestles like it was some sort of linguistically impaired animal obsessed with love and fun. But not all of us have the skill, foresight and fortitude to affectionately nurture our pets into silent, miserable balls of awkward co-dependent slavery. Please be patient with us. With your help, we can finally figure out what being a good dog owner truly en-TAILS. Ha! Get it? We sa-…oh, you don’t find puns cute either.
Rob Ford
You might not be in the running for Best Mayor of All Time, or Most Likely to Run a Daycare, but by golly if there’s one true Toronto character, it’s you. From bad language to Jamaican language, all the way to body-checking women and checking into rehab – you have made your mark, sir. You might take a lot of criticism, but we know your heart is in the right place. So do us a favour: look after yourself these next few months and keep it ticking. It truly is hard to imagine Toronto without you.
#NOTABLE
Images: rob-ford-fiesta.tumblr.com, aceshowbiz.com
Want more updates on the most Notable things happening so you know before your colleagues do? Get our exclusive newsletter here and follow us on Twitter for all the latest.