A 21-year-old Irish lad may have penned the most profound letter of diplomacy between the West and ISIS yet.
Opting to voice his message on Facebook instead of a presidential podium or authoritative press conference, comedian Finchie Cova explains why ISIS shouldn’t be arsed with attacking Ireland.
After a courteous opening – “Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world’s biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan” – Cova unleashes some compelling arguments to support his thesis:
1. Ireland really just wants to chill; they’re “only here for the craic.”
2. ISIS’ fight is with England while Ireland is merely the island west of the bullshit; “don’t judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond.”
3. “Sharon’s law” simply will not fly in Ireland. This is based on Cova’s assertion that a Sharon he knows is a c*nt.
4. They just rebuilt their country after breaking free from the very enemy (England) ISIS also has on its hit list.
5. One of Ireland’s many armies trained in North Cork, which is pretty much Damascus.
He was also kind enough to let ISIS know they wont find virgins on Harcourt street and that offices close at 10 among a list of house rules.
It’s a pretty fantastic correspondence during a time where political rhetoric around the issue is mostly futile anyway:
Speaking with Buzzfeed, Cova explained that it’s impossible to fear something that you have already experienced for hundreds of years.
“We’re a happy go lucky country. This is actually because we have been enslaved by the British for 800 years, now that we are no longer part of them, we are enjoying the good times,” he said. “A lot like when a guy breaks up with a girl after a long relationship, they just want to be single for a while and meet new people. Basically Ireland should be on Tinder.”
Don’t mistake his country’s kindness for weakness, though: “Ireland fears nobody. Except an Irish mother, they are terrifying at the best of times!”