*Appears from under rock* “What’s that, a new Star Wars movie? Well, why didn’t you say so?”
Yes, yes, we all know that on December 18 Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be hitting cinemas and the publicity drive has been immense. It’s an exciting time to be alive if you’re a fan of the franchise. But for those of us who have never really got ‘it’, another three hours spent in a galaxy far, far away can be a slow and painful way to die.
So if the force is not so strong with you, and you don’t know your storm troopers from….something else Star Wars-related, here are some of the more annoying aspects of the movies that non-fans just never really understood.
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1. Yoda
For fans of grammar and syntax, Yoda’s incessant need to put his sentences in the wrong order can be a little jarring. And before you tell me that his speech is characteristic of whatever planet he comes from, and that he’s using an Object-subject-verb structure of languages – syntacticians find him inconsistent, so there. Yoda, Annoying You Are.
2. Lightsabres
Men are universally obsessed with them in general, but what’s particularly annoying is when people insist on simulating the noise. You know the one, the hissing sound, complete with an elaborate mime of some Star Wars duel. No empty roll of wrapping paper is safe this holiday season.
More LIGHT…more SABRES
3. Every May 4th is the WORST
Even when there is no new movie on the horizon, every year on May the Fourth we are reminded of Star Wars, as fans celebrate this ‘holiday’. Cue social media feeds packed to the rafters with status updates and memes. And don’t even get me started on people calling the following day ‘Revenge of the 5th‘.
4. Terrible Robots
Let’s not mince our words – the robots are sh*t. The Millennium Falcon may have made the Kessel Run in “less than twelve parsecs” but apparently that’s where the state of the art technology ended. C3-PO, a butler with a British accent, looks like an Academy Award statuette. And R2-D2, though sweet, was essentially a vacuum cleaner.
Beep Boop
5. Luke
It must have really sucked to have been called Luke for the last, oh I don’t know, 38 years. No you’re not my father, you’re just an a**hole.
6. Princess Leia’s Gold Bikini
It may have turned on an entire generation of teenage boys, but that doesn’t mean every girl is up for recreating Princess Leia style sexual fantasies. She may have been wearing a gold bikini and little else, but she was also a sex slave chained to a giant slug at the time. Not exactly something that gets women in the mood.
7. Specifics
We get that it’s set in space and in the future, but it has zero context. They didn’t even bother to give it a fake year to be set in. According to the opening credits it all happened ‘a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away’ – well, how very specific.
8. Misquoted
It may be one of Hollywood’s most famous movie lines, but it’s also one of the most misquoted. “Luke, I am your father’ which is often spouted (over and over again) by alleged super fans should actually read, “No. I am your father.” So if insist quoting the hell out of it, at least be accurate.
9. Daddy Issues
The whole “I am your father” thing is potentially the worst paternity reveal of all time. Darth Vader drops the bombshell just moments after cutting Luke’s hand off, making all of Jerry Springer’s guests to date seem like real stand up guys. Not to be outdone, however, Luke is so underwhelmed by his new Daddy he throws himself down an air shaft. Fair.
10. Chewbacca
Just what the hell was going on with this hairy guy? There must be a back story behind this one. Well, no – apparently the character was inspired (hmm, we’ll use that term loosely) when George Lucas saw his own dog sitting up on the passenger seat of his car. Presumably an amphibious rabbit rode shotgun with Mr. Lucas at some point during the 90s also (we’re looking at you, Jar Jar).
Who, me?
11. Commercial Ewoks
Love them or hate them (and according to How I Met Your Mother, your date of birth may have some say in this) a lot of people maintain that these cuddly little teddy bears were only brought in to sell merchandising. So they are not only annoying as all hell, they are actually a cynical ploy to make even more money off the franchise. Sweet dreams, kids.
12. Expectation vs Reward
Despite disappointing millions with all the nonsense ‘prequels’, the franchise continues to break box office records even after a generation of sub-standard movies. With huge expectations and a desperation to return to former glory, it seems you just can’t keep a good Star Wars fan down – if they were a sports team, they’d be The Toronto Maple Leafs.
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