Soooooo, what are you up to this weekend?
Maybe hitting a patio? Playing a weird sport? Walking your annoying dog?
Nope. You’re going to a nude beach. And here’s not one, but eight reasons why…
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1. Better Selfies
The number one rule of taking a selfie: Don’t bother, unless I can see at least 14% your genitals. I don’t care what Instagram’s policies are. Nobody needs another saturated close-up of your cheekbone or proof that you own gym clothes and a pair of headphones. If you want to take a real selfie, head to a nude beach and get bare before you share. That’s pretty much what Snapchat was invented for anyway.
2. It Would Be Very European of You
Ooooooooo, you saw an opera in Vienna and bought skinny-jeans in Milan? Who gives a sh*t; my wife is reading a cookbook topless and I just took a 2-hour nap wearing nothing but an ascot and some hair gel. You want to impress yourself by really feeling European? Hit the sand and show some skin, Gaultier.
3. On a Nude Beach, “Skinny Dipping” is Just Called “Swimming”
While anyone who has ever gone skinny dipping is well aware of its universally therapeutic properties, there are some who consider it distasteful. Which is totally understandable since it must be uncomfortable treading water with a stick up your ass. But on a nude beach, it’s all just “swimming”; anyone wearing a bathing suit is doing it wrong, and if there have ever been words to live by, it’s those ones.
4. No Mo Tan Lines
The only thing more annoying than world hunger is not being able to drop your pants without looking like you just had sex with a fire extinguisher. What you want is a nice, crisp bacon-brown evenly spread across all bits and bumps, no zebra stripes, no porcelain patches. As much as we love our spray-tans, they just ain’t the real thing.
5. It Would Be Hilarious if You Ran into Your Boss
“Richard?? Is that you?? Oh my God, I totally didn’t recognize you without something covering your testicles. Such a coincidence too; just last week I was wondering what you looked like naked while you were doing that presentation on low-hanging fruit. All makes sense now, right? LOL! Anyway, so great seeing you here – hopefully you don’t report me to HR! #notstaring! LOL!”
6. Beach Activities Are WAY More Fun Naked
Realistically, just about everything except tobogganing is more fun when you’re naked, but beachy stuff is especially enjoyable in the buff. Paddle-boarding, Frisbee, surfing, capoeira, whatever. And have you ever spiked a volleyball naked?? If you answered no, then you haven’t lived.
7. It’s the Closest Thing You Can Do to Actually Reliving Your Childhood
Since transitioning from a child to an adult, a total of three things have changed: I’m taller, I’m supposed to care about more stuff, and usually, people make me wear clothes. You can eat as much candy, go on as many rollercoasters, and laugh at as many fart jokes as you want. But at this point, the closest you’ll get to reconnecting with your youth is taking five solid minutes to let the tide rinse your feet while you eat a popsicle naked and point at an old woman’s boobs. #truth
8. The Educational Value
Oh, come on, you know you wanna see it. You’ve already been to the zoo a thousand times, so this is the last field trip you need to fully appreciate where your naked ass fits into the whole circle of life. The internet will only teach you so much; it’s time you shed the threads and got some real, primitive exposure to your fellow homo sapiens. Each of us should have a thirst for knowledge, and if there’s one thing that can quench that thirst, it’s the fleshy waters of your nearest nude beach.
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