For all the reasons behind your choosing of particular words and phrases, they could all be in vain if you don’t find the appropriate tone.
Research published in Proceedings of Interspeech used conversations from over one hundred couples taken during marriage therapy sessions over two years to develop an algorithm that broke the recordings into acoustic features using speech-processing techniques. Analyzing pitch, intensity, and warbles in the voice, the algorithm could predict improvement or deterioration within a couple’s relationship in over 74 per cent of cases.
Which is to say, how you speak to your partner has a bigger effect on your relationship’s health than what you say to them. Within certain parameters, of course – dropping c-words won’t fetch you an engagement no matter how pleasant the expression.
“It’s not just about studying your emotions,” said Shrikanth Narayanan, who led the study. “It’s about studying the impact of what your partner says on your emotions.”
Passive-aggressive communication is a perfect example of how this relates in practice – saying something directly that may be hurtful briefly and at that very moment is much healthier for a relationship than couples who record spreadsheets of all the excuses their partner have used not to have sex, for example.
So as everyone’s mother once said, watch your tone.
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