This is What’s Inside the $200K Oscar Gift Bags

At the 88th Academy Awards ceremony, 24 Oscar statuettes will be handed out to the lucky winners in each category.

Meanwhile, for those who fail to pick up the golden goose you can the cue disappointed faces and sad memes filling the internet.

But perhaps we’ve been looking at this all wrong. Because, as it turns out, the nominees are all winners anyway. And no, this isn’t an after school special. What we mean is, each Oscar nominee in the main acting and directing categories, win or lose, will go home with a record $200,000 worth of swag.

For the 17th year in a row, the L.A based marketing firm Distinctive Assets will be handing out their gift bags to performers and nominees, ensuring that “Everyone wins” at this year’s Academy Awards.

According to their press release, the swag is “once again a blend of fabulous, fun and functional items meant to thrill and pamper those who may have everything money can buy but still savor the simple joy of a gift.”

The Daily Beast reported that the expensive consolation prizes will include trips to Israel and Japan, an Audi car rental, private training sessions, a vaporizer (should Leo be worried?), skin cream, and perhaps the most intriguing of all – a $1,900 Vampire Breast Lift.

Essentially, that’s the use of a woman’s own blood to improve the appearance of scarring and wounds as well as provide rounder cleavage without the use of implants.

And proving that moneyed celebrities have enough cash to wipe their asses with $50 bills, Page Six said that the Oscar swag will also include $275 toilet paper. The Guardian claim that female nominees will receive a $250 arouser, offering “gentle suction and stimulation,” even if the 88th annual ceremony fails to do the job for them. While Us Magazine reported that the losing nominees would receive $80,000 worth of products in their goodie bag to numb the pain of missing out on an award in 2014, last year, Market Watch valued the swag bags at $125k; meaning that Reese Witherspoon, Meryl Streep, and Bradley Cooper to name but a few, had, among other trinkets, an Afterglow vibrator to fall back on.

But this year the Oscars have really outdone themselves, almost doubling the gift bags’ price tag since last year.

We all know that Hollywood is a crazy place where the rich rarely need remove their Amex Black Card from their wallets, and the famous stay famous thanks to designers vying for them to wear their creations – free of charge. But there’s still something slightly sickening about this discovery. That those who don’t win an Oscar should profit from a bag of treats worth far more than the average person’s salary does sting a little.

Perhaps I’m just jealous. The last gift bag I got contained socks, scratch cards, and a travel toothbrush.