Nobody should feel like they’re being judged at the gym.
Getting or staying in shape can be a naturally intimidating endeavor without a bunch of sweaty eyeballs giving you an X-ray while you do squats.
But that being said, courtesy, tact and a certain degree of humility are three things everyone should be exercising when they go to the gym.
So next time you’re working out and giving it your all, please try your best not to be one of these people…
1. The One Who Left Us a Pool of Sweat
We don’t even want to know what part of your body looks like it peed on this bench. Just go get a gallon of moonshine and an industrial sander and we might consider touching this with gloves. We know some sweat contact at the gym is unavoidable, but did you just eat a grapefruit on this? It’s actually a different colour now. Just take 6 seconds and clean this up or we’re getting management to make you wear paper towel.
2. The One Texting On the Exercise Machine
LOL!! OMG, RU JK?? How about you GTFO this machine so we can actually exercise? Tell your boyfriend he’s cute, tell your girlfriend not to worry about it, and get your head in the game. There are people here trying to extend their lives, not waste them watching you text a poop icon.
3. The One with the Horrible Breath
Ok, serious question: did you eat an aquarium for lunch? Either way, you’ve entirely misinterpreted the meaning of “burpee”. How is this even possible? Are you the one person who hasn’t seen that Excel commercial with the cute little doughnut and the smiling onion? Or maybe it’s a radish. Whatever, you paid for the gym membership, you can afford gum. We have to finish stretching, so if you’re not going anywhere, we’ll need you to chew on this sock.
4. The One Wearing the Toque
Yikes, anyone feel a breeze in here? Nope. Nobody did. Not even you. So why the hell are you wearing a toque? You know you’re also wearing a tank-top, right? Do us a favor and never become a weatherman. Are you discreetly doing ear-curls under there and that’s like one of those arm-socks basketball players wear to improve circulation? Probably not. You’re staring at your own shrugs in the mirror, not shoveling a driveway. Lose the winter gear.
5. The One With All the Makeup On
Excuse me – sorry. Are you waiting for that treadmill or auditioning for The Bachelor? Both? Ok, this makes sense now. Then just be careful with that whole sweat/towel/entire-purpose-of-going-to-the-gym thing; we don’t want any smudging disasters. It’s The Gym not The Oscars. If you’re doing it properly, you’re supposed to look like an anxious meth addict who robbed a Sport Chek. Ok, fine – Patricia Arquette was at the Oscars, but you get our point.
6. The Guy Wearing the Short-Shorts
Ugh, and we thought we were going to barf after those crunches. Did you steal those from the childcare centre? It’s bad enough when some women wear them but now we have to spray ourselves with mace every time we pass the bench press? This isn’t fair. We’re serious, if anything slips out of place…you know what, here: take this mini-skirt. At least that’s kind of funny.
7. The One Exercising in Annoying Places
WHY ARE YOU LUNGING IN FRONT OF THE CHANGEROOMS?? We know it’s busy in here but have you considered not using the only parts of the gym not designed for exercise? Or perhaps you might want to wait a minute? You’re in a gym – there are like a million other things you could be doing right now to improve your health that don’t involve a handstand next to the free weights. Aaaaaand you just kicked a rowing machine.
8. The One with the Gigantic Headphones
Hey, didn’t we just see you DJing a pool party in Vegas? Or maybe it was when you were helping to park that airplane? Oh no, wait – it was the StairMaster. Right…the StairMaster. We know you’re into music and fashion, but not even Dr. Dre would wear those things to the gym. Can you even do a shoulder-press? Did you have to walk sideways to get out of the locker room? We’ll admit; those do look good for building neck-strength, but you just knocked someone off the treadmill next to you, so we’ll need to discuss a size-reduction in your audio accessories.
9. The One Who Might as Well Be Naked
We know; it’s highly intentional. You’re going to the gym to look good, and if you look good, why not show it off a bit? We’ll admit that this is one of the better “problems” to have, and the confidence is inspiring. But it’s also distracting. Wait, is that actually side-boob? Oh boy. Maybe lay off the bend-overy stuff until we find you a top that fits…