The Shelf Life Relationship: Time Wasted or Well Spent?

So, you know you want to settle down, get married and create some cute kids and the whole rest of the story. That’s decided. The pressure abounds as each day you log into Facebook and a new couple has gotten engaged. So you waste evenings on dead-end dates, scan potential talent at the bar and on the subway alike, and may have even shamelessly joined a dating site. You try so hard to meet someone that one day you do when you aren’t even trying. Organically, without question and perhaps without knowing it at the time, things evolve in a real, honest and raw way. The way they did in your younger years when your “check-list” of requirements didn’t exist and your life was free of dates that could easily be mistaken for job interviews. Your jaded, skeptical heart is reassured that you still can feel and that passion still exists. There is just one problem – it won’t last and you know this from the start.

There are real reasons between two perfectly compatible people that will inhibit them from ever sustaining as a couple, with an expiry date inevitable in the future – whether weeks away or months away. Whether one other doesn’t believe in marriage or the semi-immediate need to procreate (when the other does), is set to move away, or religion and social status play a role (yes, this still happens), some fundamental issues prevent even the suggestion of a serious, long-term relationship. Countless young professionals may then ask themselves: if you know that you want to be in a strong, committed relationship, is there a point in falling deeply into something that you know from the beginning has a shelf life, even if it is strong and committed during its time?

Call us cliché, but throughout our dating history, we have been firm believers in the saying that people come into your life for a “season, reason or lifetime.” It seems the seasons and reasons are plentiful in our early twenties, a time where even if we fell mega hard, we could recover just as easily. The reasons for each former relationship, summer fling or “complicated” situation are glaringly obvious when we evaluate why it happened, what we learned and how it affected our life in the aftermath of its demise. At some point, though, how much more learning do you need to do to figure out what you need and want? When does a collection of a pocket full of reasons become not worth the potential accompanying pain and heartbreak? And giving someone an entire season of our busy YP lives is a big deal. A lot can happen in a season these days, after all. A season is enough time to fall in love with someone, especially if the two of you have made the most of that season and spent almost every day together. 

Even if you couldn’t care about the other more, how much time, energy and sacrifice do we give people by a certain point in our lives when we know it won’t last from the start? A shelf-life relationship may be counter-intuitive and self-destructive, especially for the YP looking to find a life partner. Proponents of the whole “rather loved and lost mentality” would call the relationship time well spent rather than time wasted, assuming you enjoy one another. The problems arise when you convince yourself you can handle the reality of the situation when really you can’t, play “serious relationship house,” or fall too in love. There is a looming breakup; and you must be subconsciously aware of it, prepared for it and prevent yourself from falling beyond the point of no return. These things don’t end pretty and someone is inevitably going to get hurt. Don’t let it be you. 

1. Open yourself up but keep that protective wall around your heart. To fall in love means just that; falling and letting yourself feel.  

2. Appreciate being in the moment with the other but don’t let your guard down completely.

3. Remember the reasons why you won’t be together long-term and how they affect you.

4. Keep your options open so that you don’t miss opportunities with other people who you could have a future with.

5. Don’t make a habit of picking him or her over your friends. When they are gone, your friends will still be there.

6. Don’t spend 24/7 together; you’re bound to get attached without realizing it and feel more of a void when it ends.

7. Don’t let things get “heavy.” The beauty of a relationship with an expiry date is you can avoid that heavy, compromising element of a relationship that makes it “work.” Don’t make relationship-esque sacrifices; you’ll regret them once it is over.

8. Don’t introduce him or her to your family, and if it is unavoidable, keep him or her at arms length from them.

9. Don’t move in together, even temporarily.

10. Keep communication clear and open.

In matters of the heart, anything is possible and we don’t mean to be so formulaic. Things may indeed grow so strong between the two of you that those “fundamental reasons” may no longer be so fundamental. Just be smart, protect your heart from the beginning and enjoy the season, knowing your lifetime will come.