A number of men in this country have now had the weekend to let the hairs on their upper lip loose. For the next four weeks or so, these regularly empty spaces will be filled with burgeoning moustaches of all kinds – and all in the name of a good cause. So we thought we’d bring you a breakdown of what you’ll likely be running into this Movember. And yes, you’re right to be afraid.
FACT: Every man growing a moustache IS NOT Tom Selleck.
REALITY: Every man growing a moustache THINKS he’s Tom Selleck.
You’ll recognize this on some of the more baby-face young professionals out there. If you’ve ever wondered what one of these guys would look like with a beard, the answer is that they do too. They’ve never been able to grow proper facial hair and the misplaced eyebrow creeping out of their upper lip right now would struggle to win a grade eight moustache contest. Best to offer a small compliment and move on. They are a potent mix of pride and sensitivity.
Slightly more impressive in thickness than The Teenager, The Predator is still less than the full, lush lip hat that’s capable of making us swoon. It’s in between-ness causes distrust amongst its viewers, who remain unsure of its intention. When paired with sunglasses or (God forbid) a hood, The Predator is more chilling than the first flakes of snow falling on your driveway. There are no compliments here. He knows he looks terrifying and he knows that you know.
The Douche actually has nothing to do with the form or style of a specific cookie duster but instead attaches itself to a particular type of individual vainglorious enough to sport a ‘mo without actually helping to support the entire purpose of Movember – raising funds to combat prostate and testicular cancer and mental health challenges. These men should be stripped of their ‘stache rights in a public humiliation ceremony.
Simply put, this man was born to sport a dirt squirrel. Suddenly, you notice for the first time just how good he looks in plaid, how he’s by far the best arm wrestler in the office, and that he says goodbye to you every evening with a simple ’10-4’. The soup strainer he’s sporting completely changes the composition of his face to the point where you almost wonder if he shouldn’t take this seasonal experiment and turn it into a year-round commitment. A compliment is pretty much mandatory here.
The Fu Manchu
This man is single and will remain so for a long time.
It might be thinned out like Dali or drawn down and out like Yosemite Sam, but whatever this guy’s up to he’s taking his manscaping to a whole new level. For him, Movember is just as much about showcasing his artistic skills (because after all, girls only want boyfriends who have great skills) as it is about the ability to grow some face furniture. Whether it’s a pencil stache, a handlebar, or some freestyle formation, the main thing behind the creation of this ‘mo is care. Compliments can be doled out based on individual preferences.
Obviously the gold standard in Movember rankings. These gifted individuals must thank their genes every autumn morning for providing them with the perfect excuse (see: good cause) to flex their flavour savour power. Also known as The Chevron, this is the highest level of aesthetic grace a moustache can reach. If God sports a ‘mo, it looks like this. No compliments are necessary – your jaw dropping to the floor and the subtle tear sliding down your face is enough to let him know you’ve recognized the raw beauty standing before you.