Sex with the ex; most of us have been there. There’s appeal in it. It’s comfortable, familiar and not a waste of a “number.” Our single friends and us have remained avid proponents of the good old recycling program throughout our twenties if urge should strike. When a couple of our exes emerged from the woodwork recently, wanting to “reconnect,” it got us thinking. Just because you recycle, you don’t want to feel “reused,” nor do you want to open up that entire luggage line of baggage that the two of you probably have. And if there’s no baggage at all, all the more dangerous. While it’s tempting and just a phone call, text or BBM away, sex with an ex obviously must be approached with caution.
Here’s when sex with the ex works:
If you both know that there’s no chance in hell you’re ever getting back together.
It didn’t work before, and it won’t work again – and you both know that. It quickly becomes problematic when one party is still attached to the other (or worse, in love) or interested in exploring the option of a possible reconciliation. Ex sex works better if the breakup was a result of a relationship that had naturally run its course, as opposed to something circumstantial (as in timing, distance, etc.), and you know for certain that it won’t open any discussion of relationship (past or future) talk on either end. Be warned: as good in bed as you may be or as hot as you are, you are not going to win an ex back with sex… at least for the long haul. Trust us.
If it’s necessary for closure.
Especially if a breakup characterized by ambiguity and unanswered questions, or if a relationship ended abruptly with little communication in its wake, spending a steamy evening together may be just what you need to put that relationship to bed (no pun intended) and tie up loose ends once and for all. But only if enough time has passed. If a substantial amount of time has gone by since you’ve seen each other or spoken (as in months), and you can clearly see the demise of the relationship for what it is, you can seal it with a kiss (and then some) and walk away from it on a high note. Door closed. Side note: This works best if the other is either moving away or embarking on a lengthy trip of some sort – just to ensure it doesn’t happen again and risk becoming routine.
If you’re in a good place yourself.
When you’re happy and in a good, confident place yourself, your rational side is more likely to see the situation for what it is: Sex. The opposite of this, of course, occurs on those days where you’re feeling lonely, sad or like you’re never going to find “the one,” or if you just need a little attention and naturally seek the comfort of your ex. In this case, an ex shouldn’t be a quick fix to solve your down days or to feed your ego; it will make you feel worse in the long run. You need to be incredibly honest with yourself whether or not the sex will affect your psyche and emotional state. Don’t fool yourself.
If you’re getting back together.
Of course, there are those exes who end up getting back together and rebuild an intense romance that lasts til death do them part. After all, sometimes you just need a little time apart to grow and realize that the two of you actually had that glue required for long-term sustainability. If you’ve been talking on the phone all hours, sending novel emails back and forth, even hanging out, and the two of you are almost certain of a passionate reconciliation in the near future, hitting the sheets may just be the deciding factor of your fate – good or bad.
The Good:
Especially in those moments of loneliness, we tend to romanticize the past relationship instead of remembering why it went wrong. With a little distance, we can quickly forget all the pitfalls of the relationship along with the annoying habits of your former SO and place them on a pedestal that they don’t deserve. Sometimes we need to go back to move forward, and the sex can make it glaringly clearl that we’ve idealized the relationship or feel much less pain than we thought. This goes along with the closure point. Let’s not forget it’s likely going to be good sex, which can be a good or bad thing…
The Bad:
For all its comfort and satisfaction, sex with the ex can lead either to a grey area or to a cycle of break-ups and get-back-togethers that delay the inevitable – you’ll never work. Sometimes, even if you think there are no strings attached and that you can handle it, actually seeing, touching and feeling that person and looking into their eyes for the first time may take you back to the start. Alternatively, maybe you can handle it and they can’t. If you’re still getting your fix from your ex, it may be impossible to make a meaningful connection with someone new. Not to mention, what message does it send to your ex? That you’re that easy, desperate or sorry you broke up?
For former couples, it is rarely ever that uncomplicated. If it’s just sex, this means no coming over early on with a bottle of wine, ordering sushi, enjoying each other’s bodies at least twice, then passing out in each other’s arms to a romcom only to wake up, have sex again, and go for brunch and a walk.
Want more updates on the most Notable things happening so you know before your colleagues do? Get our exclusive newsletter here.