Threatening to move to Canada is an American pastime as old as baseball. Very few people follow through, of course, on account of the polar bears up here and what not.
There is one thing that could actually provoke a mass exodus to icier pastures, however: the election of Republican frontrunner and living, breathing salmon nigiri Donald Trump to the highest office of the United States.
Indeed, it’s too late to f*ck around anymore – DJP could become the president of the most powerful country in the world. Once the C.I.A finds Hilary’s email that personally ordered the attack in Benghazi and Bernie Sanders falls victim to the natural life expectancy of the American male, this profound catastrophe will materialize.
There are 328 days left until the federal election. These two things could happen.
And when and if they do, it’s very likely that threats to move to Canada will become asylum applications to Canada.
So to prepare the ~150 million American political refugees who will seek to escape the doughy fist of Trump come this time next year, the New Yorker has published a useful ‘Welcome to Canada’ manifesto for a smooth transition.
Here’s who we can expect to arrive in our land of modern conveniences (like milk and paint): Muslims, Mexicans, black people, people who look like Muslims, “Jews, who are just Muslims with smaller hats,” Prius drivers, “that one Asian guy,” tweens, “Jessica Alba, because maybe she’s a Muslim. Who knows?,” all women, and books.
It’s also very likely we’ll see an influx of New Yorkers, Macy’s employees, craft brewers, NASCAR fans, and Flo Rida, all of whom deserve to be liberated from a tyrannical lunatic and bask in our metric system. New arrivals will also be privy to ‘no-murder zones’, vaccines, mostly the same language, and decorative cops on horses (instead of the semi-automatic-wielding Centaur subspecies to the South).
It’ll be a major test for Trudeau’s refugee program, which will be strained by 6000 times its current capacity.
You can read the full Welcome here.