New Data (Hilariously) Lists All Types of Sex Injuries From the Last Six Years

Sex is good. Sex is great. And it’s all fun and games until someone gets something sharp lodged up an orifice.

Unfortunately – for us – many of the urban legend-esque tales of lovemaking gone horribly hilariously wrong are doomed never to be shared and recorded, because well, duh. Not surprisingly, people tend to lay low, endure the pain, and presumably attempt to dislodge items or nurse themselves back to full health following post-coital injuries rather than risking the mirth of nurses and doctors.

So, behold this new data from The National Electronic Injury Surveillance System (NEISS), which compiled all the data on sex injuries in the U.S. over the last six years. And trust us, it’ll make your eyes water.

Far and away the most common sexual injury by diagnosis was a foreign body. Most of the products involved were predictably massage devices or vibrators (excluding shower attachments). But beds, floors, tubs, and jewellery that excluded watches, (because I love you, but this is a Rolex darling) also featured prominently.

And no, none of the 450 injuries reported were fatal. And yes, you may laugh.

Dr. Robert Glatter, of Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City told Vice that a 17-year-old boy arrived at the emergency room complaining of abdominal pain. Well, shoving a pencil up your bottom and proceeding to have anal sex will do that to you.

But we can’t blame it all on youth and naivety. Rather embarrassingly, a 62-year-old man sustained a penile crushing after he engaged in a spot of ‘DIY’ lovemaking (in all senses of the word). He put homemade PCVP pipe rings and the ring from a horse halter around his penis and as could be expected, it did not go well.

Others injuries included concussion, burns, lacerations, and internal injuries. One poor woman suffered a dental injury after her sex-swing fell out of the ceiling causing her to hit her mouth. Say ahhh…

And it seems that there’s just something about the summer that makes us want to go swinging from the (shoddily installed) chandeliers and make perilous love, because July was when the largest number of injuries were reported. April (Spring sprung us straight through the headboard?) and February (V-Day candles and enthusiastic sex presumably a hazardous combo) were a joint second.

Most of the damage was done to the lower trunk or pubic region (go figure) but pretty much every other body part featured on the list at least once. Fingers, eyelids, and tongues all bore the brunt of vigorous lovemaking.

But embarrassing as it may be, Glatter noted the importance of alwys going to the hospital immediately and not waiting for the injury to get worse.

“We see a ton of these. Patients delay and sometimes don’t come in for a few days,” he said. “The longer you wait, sometimes you can even get septic.”

So there you have it, kids. When we say practice safe sex, we really mean it.