When’s the last time you used a can opener? Do you even know what a can opener is? It opens cans. Remember cans? Of course not, because zero waste diets and starting creative agencies don’t come in a can.
You know what does come in a can? Tuna. You probably didn’t know that because you don’t eat tuna. Which you don’t eat because it comes in a can. Haven’t you heard? ~Everything is connected~.
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, canned tuna consumption has dropped 40 percent over the last 30 years. Like every other industry, Big Tuna is blaming Millennials’ changing tastes and penchant for convenience.
But what’s inconvenient about tuna? You can puzzle together like four different meals with a can of tuna and some accoutrements from the fridge. Turns out the problem is actually getting the tuna. No, not finding it at the supermarket or, mercy on our dismal life skills, actually fishing for it. I mean literally penetrating the thin aluminum lid separating the fish from your mouth.
“A lot of millennials don’t even own can openers,” said one Big Tuna exec in listing some of the things that keep him up at night. Also, Millennials these days have the dexterity of a wet noodle, which all but rules out any chance of the can opener industry leveraging this opportunity into a comeback. Just watch one young voter struggle to ratchet her way through the Phil Kessel of metals en route to a cheap and nutritious meal:
So there you have it: Millennials don’t have can openers, couldn’t use them even if they did, and can now add tuna to the never-ending list of things they’ve killed, like the Tim Horton’s bread bowl and marriage.