Millennials, Get Off Your Damn Phones and Start Having Sex Again

When it comes to hot, young bodies, Millennials are choosing to spend them in less primal ways than previous generations when they were in their fucking prime.

According to heaps of data and expert opinion presented by the Washington Post, Millennials are about as enthused by sex as a penis competing against seven shots of whisky.

Indeed, those born between the early 1980s and 2000 have had fewer sexual partners than baby boomers and Gen Xers. They’re also protecting their V-cards like Super Likes, while 15 percent of 20-to 24-year-olds have not had sex since turning 18.

Seriously, we’re fucking iPad cases instead of people these days.

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So, what gives? Maybe Millennials consider snapchatting a dick pic the new wick-dip. Perhaps we’d rather play with Pokeballs than lay with poke and balls. Are we waiting for that perfect robot to sweep us off our feet? Are drugs the answer? They usually are.

It’s a bit of everything, really, and it backs up a lot of what we’ve already said about our generation being afraid to catch feelings and the alienation of those looking for old-school love in a swipe-to-bang culture.

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Here are a few of the reasons Millennials are opting to have less sex, according to the array of individuals quoted in the Washington Post article – both sex-weary Millennials and various experts:

– Intellectual conversation is more stimulating than sex.
– Women enjoy saying no, reflecting the societal trend of female empowerment and being less accepting of pressured sex
– Unrealistic expectations of physical perfection (looking at you, Tinder)
– Wariness over date rape
– The pressure to succeed in one’s career
– Social lives increasingly conducted on-screen
– An inability to seduce people with one’s charm as more ‘meetings’ happen online
– The anti-sexual nature of communication; “People are not spending enough time alone just together. There’s another gorilla in the room: It’s whatever is turned on electronically,” as Harvard Medical School professor Norman Spack says.
– We want our parents to do it for us and are too lazy.

Ok, that last one’s a joke, and there are a few noble justifications for their non-behaviour. But get a load of this kid:

Noah Patterson, 18, likes to sit in front of several screens simultaneously: a work project, a YouTube clip, a video game. To shut it all down for a date or even a one-night stand seems like a waste. “For an average date, you’re going to spend at least two hours, and in that two hours I won’t be doing something I enjoy,” he said.

That’s attitude is about as concerning as contracting E. coli from reckless butt stuff – a hot trend, mind you.


And how are these young ladies and gentlemen choosing to spend their time instead? “Making money,” watching porn (“It’s quicker. It’s more accessible. What you see is what you get”), and taking anti-depressants, the use of which doubled between 1999 and 2012, erodes emotions, and lowers sex drive.

Asteroids, nuclear war, zombies – no, the end of civilization manifests in a society of Prozac-downing Noahs forgoing procreation to lay their smartphones instead.