Across Canada, winter is known for a lot of challenging things.
But perhaps none is more disruptive and deserving of a water-proof boot to the ornaments than The A**hole Driver.
Often these are the same people that, during the summers, refuse to take off their sunglasses while shopping and hate it when waiters talk. Sometimes you’ll find them j-walking while they Instagram a photo of their smoothie and talking to people about custom furniture. But in the winter, they are hitting cold new lows as they constantly drive you to the brink of road-rage with hazardous, self-absorbed vehicular habits.
Perhaps you’re familiar with someone like this?
We’ll bet you are.
And here are a few things that every a**hole driver should remember this winter before they hit the road…
Buying Snow Tires Does Not Make You Paul Walker
No matter how much you paid for your magic tires, they will not turn snow into glue. They are a precaution and a convenience, not a permit to ignore physics. Stop heeling the gas pedal like some autistic mule, and when you see that the car in front of you is stopped, just start hitting the brakes; you’re an adult playing it safe, not a toddler being forced to eat your broccoli. Don’t worry: in a few months, you’ll be back to sports tires and asphalt that clings like a Jehovah’s Witness. So for the time being, let Vin Diesel do his job.
Stop Acting Like a Weird Brat and Let People Merge Ahead of You
Staring straight ahead while you ride the hitch of the car in front of you isn’t fooling anyone; we know you can see that person trying to merge. Guess what: THAT’S HOW TRAFFIC WORKS. Cars change lanes and people have to share without being mean. Think you can handle that? Or do we need to practice with Crayons? Understand that with slippery conditions, agitating someone’s attempt to change lanes is putting a number of people at risk, including yourself. So put your weird lane-pride in the trunk and make some room.
Accept the Fact That Car Stuff is Just Going to Take Longer
In the winter, everything moves slowly. That includes your a***ole car when it has the misfortune of navigating winter roads, surrounded by drivers that have worse reflexes than a lobster. Deal with it. There’s no point in getting all bent out of shape; this is going to be a while. If you can’t acclimatize to the pace of winter traffic, snatch up a Ducati and move to Dubai. Otherwise embrace the world of audio books and podcasts and whenever you can, leave places a little earlier than you normally would.
NOBODY is Too Good for Signaling
You’re not texting a 20-year old; in order for this to work properly, everyone needs to know exactly what you’re thinking. If people don’t know you’re changing direction, they will either miss the opportunity to safely switch lanes without impeding the flow of traffic or they will rear-end you like a (insert inappropriate jail movie reference here). Or worse yet, they’ll smash into someone else’s car and you’ll drive away an even bigger a**hole than you started. Here – a poem that will help you remember to use your blinkers:
When there’s snow
We need to know
Before you go.
So,
Don’t force us to show
Up at your home
And slash your a**hole tires.
Unless You’re a Character in Homeland, Stop Texting in Your Car
Between the obvious increased danger of this behavior during winter and, you know, THE LAW, it’s absurd that we even have to bring this up. But we do. Traffic already takes forever and just about everything from sharp turns to breathing is more dangerous this time of year. So the last thing we need are more 8-second delays at green lights and pancake pedestrians at crosswalks because you just had to pretend you were laughing out loud. If you really must carry on a dialogue while driving in the winter, try to use your speaker phone or wireless accessories. If your car doesn’t have the built in technology, there’s plenty of photo evidence to prove that Bluetooth earpieces are fully compatible with a**holes.
Pretend that Tailgating Gives You the Flu
We’re not sure how else to get this point across. In winter conditions, tailgating is like letting Charlie Sheen stay at your condo; maybe you’ll get home and everything will be fine, but chances are you’ll eventually end up with damaged property covered in snow. No good can come of this, so please, just back up, and mind ya business, that’s all, mind your business.
#NOTABLE
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