Despite Hilary Clinton becoming the first woman in history to be elected the Democratic presidential nominee, the 2016 election has focused largely on another individual.
And while many had assumed his campaign would be a flash in the pan, and that given enough rope his ludicrous commentary would ultimately be enough to hang himself, he’s proven the doubters wrong by all but capturing the Republican nomination.
Incredulous, many Canadians have watched their cousins in the South from the sidelines, gobsmacked as Trump’s ratings go through the roof after each increasingly offensive statement.
And while some are seeking exile should the unthinkable happen and Trump become President, plenty other Americans actually want him to hold the most powerful position in the world.
But rest assured: were Donald Trump to run for office in Canada, we’re our response would be quite different to the success he’s found in the U.S.
Here’s what would happen if Donald J. Trump began a Canadian election campaign.
“I’m running for office in Canada”
Canadian response: Laughter. Brief pause for breath. More laughter. Snorting. Tears rolling down cheeks. Even more laughter.
“I want to build a great wall”
Canadian response: FINALLY – some recognition that we’re literally right over here, America *waves*. We were beginning to think we were invisible. Any chance we could incorporate some sort of door in the wall so we can keep shopping? It all seems highly inconvenient.
“I will stop Muslims from entering the country”
Canadian response: Yeah, good idea. Who needs doctors, teachers, or lawyers anyway?
“The only card Hillary Clinton has is the ‘woman’ card”
Canadian response: Wait, ‘woman cards’? Is that like Euchre? Being a woman isn’t a weakness, or a gimmick over here – you know, seeing how they’re 50 per cent of the population and all. Oh, and didn’t anyone tell you “it’s 2016,” dumbass?
“We need more guns”
Canadian response: we’ve has had eight mass shootings in 20 years. The US has had seven since Monday. We’re just gonna leave that statistic there…
“Look at that face!” (to any opposing female)
Canadian response: We can only assume that, given that Mr. Trump’s face is, at best, indistinguishable from a slice of ham, the man lacks access to a mirror. We would, however, be happy to supply one for perusal. No, really, we insist.
“We need to be tougher on immigration”
Canada: So, what do you propose we do with the 25,000 refugees who we welcomed into Canada at the end of last year? Perhaps you’d like to break the news to them, Captain Tactful…
“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”
Canadian response: While ‘ass’ and FOX News do seem to go hand in hand, we in Canada think that journalism is perhaps best left to people who are capable to report the news in a balanced manner – regardless of what they look like or their gender.
“If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Canadian Response: We know you might think of us as your unsophisticated, plaid-wearing cousins, but having a sexual relationship with your children is definitely not cool up here. And don’t give us that “it was only hypothetical” nonsense – you, sir, have a problem.
“Mexicans are rapists”
Canadian response: Correct us if we’re wrong, Trump, but aren’t people who rape other people rapists? P.S. how did that burrito bowl you ate on Cinco de Mayo go down? We sure (kind of) hope you didn’t choke…
“I was down there, and I watched our police and our firemen, down on 7-Eleven”
Canadian response: If by police you mean Slurpee and by firemen you mean very questionable-looking hot dogs, then sure, we kind of follow you, Donald. But shouldn’t you be busy making policies instead of counting quarters at convenience stores? We thought you were supposed to be rich.
“Blood coming out of her wherever”
Canadian response: We believe you’re referring to a period, and that ‘wherever’ you refer to is known in Canada as a ‘vagina’. We have to say, it’s pretty worrying that you need a refresher on the birds and the bees having just turned 70.
Trump impersonates New York Time’s reporter who suffers from a chronic condition
Canadian reaction: *wakes up in a cold sweat*. Man, that was some nightmare. I dreamt that electoral candidate Donald Trump was mocking a journalist with a disability. Oh, wait.