Remember the days when one’s social standing was determined by brazen declarations that your dad could beat up pretty much every other dad on the block?
The best part was you didn’t even need to prove it – you just had to say it first. Any rebuttal thereafter was basically void on account of your schoolyard foes’ fathers never actually stepping into a ring with your dad to discredit the claim.
Indeed, your dad could beat up any other dad – and that was that. Coolest kid in town. All the girls. Dweebs donating their lunch money. Valedictorian.
But what if your dad couldn’t actually live up to your lofty expectations? What if there were other dads out there just waiting to beat up some punk-ass paternal figure unsuspectingly hyped up by the empty MDCBUYD calls of a frontin’ son?
We hope you never had to find out.
And on that note, here are 8 dads that could most certainly beat up your dad. Happy Father’s Day.
Can beat up your dad via: fatality by roundhouse kick.
Qualifications: Norris’ violent exploits defined an entire generation of jokes – don’t put your dad in a position to be at the receiving end of one.
Can beat up your dad by: general termination.
Qualifications: You best believe Arnold bashed a few skulls on his way to dominating the realms of sport, entertainment, and politics. Seriously – he used to pick fights for a thrill.
Jean-Claude van Damme
Can beat up your dad by: a mesmerizing combination of ballet and Taekwondo.
Qualifications: They call him the ‘Muscles from Brussels’. They call your dad first runner-up at the local county fair’s hot dog eating contest.
Can beat up your dad by: Delivering a vigorous overhand shot through the hoop that is your father’s mouth.
Qualifications: LeBron James is a 6’8″, 250-pound super specimen that could probably beat up 99.9% of dads. Assuming your father to be within that 0.01% is foolish.
Can beat up your dad by: a lethal swing of his – nevermind.
Qualifications: Wahlberg spent two years, five days a week, training for his role in The Fighter. What did your dad do?
Can beat up your dad with: a one-punch knockout. Obviously. (Or possibly cannibalism.)
Qualifications: Mike Tyson once knocked out a professional boxer in half a minute. Your dad would be lucky to last half a second and walk away with both ears still intact.
Can beat up your dad: likely as collateral damage amidst the killing spree he’s already undertaken to prove his status as world’s #1 dad. Watch Taken if that sentence doesn’t make sense to you.
Qualifications: He has a very particular set of skills.
Can beat up your dad by: applying any and all techniques learned during his time with the KGB.
Qualifications: People don’t write articles like this unless you’ve earned it.