Ford Is As Ford Does

In light of Mayor Rob Ford’s admission today that he most likely tried crack cocaine, “probably in one of my drunken stupors approximately a year ago,” we’ve complied a March Madness style bracket of embarrassing Ford moments. Yes, we also think it’s worrisome that it was so easy to come up with 16 different examples.

Round 1

Boardwalk Pub Libel Suit vs. Florida DUI 
Ford earned his DUI in 1999 – the guy wasn’t even 30 yet! He wasn’t even in politics for crying out loud. He was just another freewheeling Canadian enjoying the sunshine state. Sure, he lied about it when it came time to run for mayor in 2010 (he claimed he’d only failed a breathalyzer) but hey, Ford is as Ford does. The Boardwalk Pub Libel Suit however, in which Ford all but directly accuses Tuggs Incorporated owner George Foulidis of bribing council members, happened when Rob was gearing up to run for mayor. This is calculated Ford at his best, working that gravy train for all it’s worth. 

Winner: Boardwalk
Publically trashing someone else to boost your chances of future employment beats publically being trashed just cause you’re young and stupid.

Bike lanes vs. Leafs Game
2007, Ford tells council if a biker gets killed “it’s their own fault at the end of the day” for “swimming with the sharks.” It’s obvious that Ford’s point here is that cars are natural killing machines that cannot ever stop – not even to sleep. Oh, and people on bikes are like little guppies. At a 2006 Leafs game, Ford is tossed for “getting into drunken, expletive-laden arguments with fans.” Ford later claimed he “wasn’t even at the game” but was probably drunk when he said that too because a few weeks later he conceded he had in fact been there and apologized for having “had one too many beers.”

Winner: Bike Lanes
Sorry, is anyone actually sober at a Leafs game? 

Toronto Star vs. Sarah Thomson
The Star publishes an article in 2010 alleging Ford was asked to stop coaching a high school football team (nearly a decade earlier) after a confrontation with a student. Ford denies this vehemently and busts out a notice of intent to sue. He let’s the libel case drop but not his grudge – he publicly refuses to talk to The Star again. Ford’s accused of being a waste case once again at the Canadian Jewish Public Affairs Committee where his political rival Sarah Thomson claims he grabbed her ass and told her she “should have been in Florida with him last week because his wife wasn’t there.”

Winner: Toronto Star
Sure, you have to have a hell of a lot of gusto to grab your rival’s ass in public, but to cut ties with the largest newspaper in the country takes Ford’s balls to a whole new level.

Driving and Reading vs. Crack
In 2012, Ford is caught in a photo reading while driving his Escalade at 70km/hr. When asked whether this was true his response was simply “probably, I’m busy.” Pure gold, Jerry. Pure gold. Once again for the cheap seats: “probably in one of my drunken stupors approximately a year ago.”

Winner: Crack
You read the quote, right?

The Homeless vs. St. Patty’s Day
Ford didn’t like the idea of having a ‘public meeting’ about the possibility of locating a homeless shelter in his ward in 2002. So he suggested something a lot less drastic to council instead: “Why don’t we have a public lynching?” Ford throws a “wild party” in the mayor’s office and gets hammered on St. Paddy’s Day 2012.

Winner: The Homeless
Come on, like you wouldn’t throw a badass St. Paddy’s Day party at City Hall if you could.

This vs. 911
A football coach? In 2011, Ford calls 911 when This Hour Has 22 Minutes Shows up at his doorstep. He screams at the operator and allegedly calls her a ‘bitch’ and says great things like “I’m Rob F&%king Ford.” Oh, but how you are.

Winner: This
With most people, calling 911 on a fictional reporter would be enough but Rob’s physical comedy is a gift not seen since Chaplin’s era. 

Being related to Doug Ford vs. Radio Show
Doug Ford is the older brother of Rob. His past is worthy of its own article. One example of Ford’s use of his weekly radio show (that he hosts with brother Doug, obviously) was to announce that he wanted to find a group of people who agreed with him to run in the 2014 municipal election to try to unseat his council opponents so his plan for the Sheppard subway could go through. He then gave out his office phone number on air so anyone interested in running (can puppets run?) could give him a direct shout.

Winner: Radio Show
This way we get to keep them together forever!

Oxycontin vs. This
According to NY Magazine, Ford was recorded in a phone conversation claiming he could get a constituent some Oxycontin. ‘Nuff said. Ford walks headfirst into a news camera. 

Winner: Camera
Anyone can score Oxy these days, but not everyone can make the world laugh.

Quarterfinals

Boardwalk vs. Bike Lanes
Claiming corruption in politics isn’t exactly going out on a ledge. Saying you don’t care if one of your city’s citizens gets killed on the road because roads are only built for “buses, cars, and trucks” and because “we don’t live in Florida” is, however.

Winner: Bike Lanes
We’re pretty sure we’re glad we don’t live in Florida with Rob.

The Star vs. Crack
The Star has remained committed to doing its job despite the controversy surrounding its relationship with Mayor Ford. Crack has remained committed to doing its job despite the controversy surrounding its relationship with Mayor Ford.

Winner: Crack
When the mayor of the 4th largest city in North America admits he may have smoked some rock that’s news for everybody.

The Homeless vs. This
Unfortunately for the homeless living in this city, the Mayor’s attitude toward them isn’t much different than it is toward a lot of Toronto’s population. Which means that after time it just becomes another example of his extreme inappropriateness. This video, however, brings hours of pure joy.  

Winner: This
If only this is what happened every time a bell rings.  

Radio Show vs. Camera 
Ford uses the airwaves to ponder why David McKeow, Toronto’s Medical Officer of Health, “even has a job” after McKeow suggests lowering city speed limits. Somewhere, an image of the press managing to give Rob Ford a literal black eye loops in perpetuity.

Winner: Radio Show
The home of Ford’s ‘if I say it, it’s true’ mentality. 

Semi-Finals

Bike Lanes vs. Crack
Since crack is obviously the shark of drugs and bikes can’t swim then bike lanes just have to lose.

Winner: Crack
What if people who “probably tried crack” had to wear a helmet and have lights and bells attached to them at all times. Just sayin’.

This vs. Radio Show
At some point physical comedy can simply not keep up with mental incompetence. Especially if it’s on an AM dial.

Winner: Radio Show
Every. Single. Week.

Finals

Crack vs. Radio Show
The Mayor of Toronto just admitted to trying crack while in “one of [his] drunken stupors.” WHILE he was running the city.  Somewhere Bill Clinton is saying to himself, even I wasn’t dumb enough to admit something that bad.

Winner: Crack
Too bad the Mayor forgot drug rule #1: Crack always wins. Period.