Divorcing in your 20s used to be a very uncommon occurrence (or at least fewer people would volunteer that info over a glass of Pinot at Happy Hour). Now, though, 20-something divorcees are all the rage. In fact, the median age of first divorce for women in the US is 29. Who knew that I was such a trendsetter!?
I got married at 24 and divorced at 28. I was the first of any of my friends, acquaintances or family to get a divorce in their 20s. At the time, I felt a bit like a pariah: judged by everyone for not trying hard enough, for long enough. Do you know how many times I’ve heard about Gen Y-ers selfishness and indecision? Enough for one lifetime, that’s for sure.
Long story short, it was a pretty lonely experience. Even when reading articles online there was lots of advice for middle-aged women with kids getting a divorce, middle-aged women whose husbands were a**holes, middle-aged men having a mid-life crisis, etc., but nothing for us 20-somethings.
No longer. Being the good divorce expert that I am, I’m going to put pen to paper and give other 20-something divorcees tips on how to survive and thrive after a divorce in your 20s. Here we go…
Survival Tip #1: Accept your differences
This is a very important first step in making it through a divorce in your twenties. Every single time you mention that you are divorced, you’ll get one of two responses:
Option 1: “Really? But you’re so young.”
Option 2: “That’s so sad. Couldn’t you have tried harder to make it work?” [Me: “No.”] “Oh well, at least you didn’t have any kids.”
Either way, neither are particularly sensitive or self-esteem boosting comments to hear, especially while you’re in despair mid-divorce.
It’s safe to say that you will be asked about it every day. You will be challenged by random people you meet on the street. So you need to be alright with why your marriage didn’t work. You need to feel that you deserve more than sticking it out in an unhappy marriage, simply because of a vow and a piece of paper. Trust your decisions and trust that you know (more than that meddling barista!) what will make you happy in the long run.
Survival Tip #2: Find other young divorcees
Friends are a hugely important part of surviving a divorce. During a divorce, you’ll need people to come over and watch you eat pints of ice cream, while funneling wine. They’ll need to stop you from quitting your job and becoming a hermit. They’ll need to keep you distracted enough to prevent another night of crying at home, watching Meg Ryan movies.
But it’s also important to make friends with people who have been through similar situations. These people will be able to better understand what you’re feeling, how you’re grieving and offer valuable advice because they’ve already been there (or are going through it at the same time).
For those who don’t know any other 20-something divorcees personally, go online. There are fantastic forums, groups, support networks, etc. for women going through divorce in their 20s. Just Google ‘divorce in your twenties’ and you’ll find a veritable smorgasbord of options. My personal favorite: Trash the Dress: Stories of Celebrating Divorce in your 20s.
Survival Tip #3: Drink a lot, drink often
This may sound counter-productive but one of the best things about getting divorced in your 20s (especially when you have no kids) is the ability to go out, party, drink too much and fully embrace your single life once again. 20-something divorcees should celebrate that they realized their mistake when they did – long before they were too old to mix and mingle at the bars.
So put on your flashiest dress, chug a personality drink and head out into the late-night world of shots, singletons and no-strings attached sex. It will help you forget your sadness for a minute (don’t they always say that the best way to get over a relationship is to get under another one?) and give you a much-needed confidence boost.
Survival Tip #4: See a therapist on a regular basis
Therapy is the key to surviving divorce at any age. Yes, you may be able to make it through divorce without therapy, but you definitely won’t make it through unscathed. Divorce is a life-altering, depression-causing, issue-creating experience and the only way to be healthy and issue-free (or at least, with minimal issues) at the end of the process is to work at it every single day.
After I got separated, I started seeing a therapist on a regular basis and the experience has completely changed the way that I perceive my life and my divorce. Not only did it help me make it through the tough times of divorce and post-divorce dating, it helped me to work on issues that I’ve been developing since I was a teenager. I am a happier, nicer, healthier person today because of my therapist… and you could be too.
Survival Tip #5: Embrace your new life
No matter what, you can’t change what happened. Know that you aren’t a failure. Look for the positives (a cliché, I know!) in your new life and try to avoid focusing on the things that you’ve lost. Remember that you aren’t the first person to experience this pain and, like the others that came before, you will survive and find some sort of happiness on the other end. Just keep holding on and time will do the rest for you.