Nobody said dating was easy – especially right now in our young professional-filled cities where our options are seemingly limitless.
Even if we’ve just started dating someone, it seems we’re in constant pursuit of the next best thing.
The thing is, by this point, most of us our seasoned enough in the dating department to know what we want in a partner – but more importantly, we know what we don’t want. Or, what we’re not willing to put up with. They’re called deal breakers, and they’re often the result of exposure to certain traits in previous relationships.
And it’s definitely important to know your own.
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In a Wall Street Journal article, new research reveals that we tend to weigh the negative (what’s wrong with the other person) far more than the positive (what’s right with them) when it comes to choosing both life partners and short term partners in crime.
The WSJ references a series of six studies published together online in October in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin that offer insight when it comes to dating. While the findings are interesting, they’re by no means surprising. It’s obvious that most people have a list of qualities and red flags that would make them reconsider the sustainability of a new mate.
The new research, however, reveals that people give more weight to these deal breakers than the positive attributes they hope to find in a person. Personally, I do too. Anyone who’s been enamoured so much by an individual’s positive traits off the bat that they ignore all the (sometimes masked) less-desirable traits until they surface and cause major issues down the road likely feels the same way.
We all would like to think we’ve learned from our mistakes, after all.
Anyway, in one of the studies highlighted in the article, the researchers gave 5,541 single U.S. adults a list of 17 negative personal traits and inquired as to whether they would consider them deal breakers when it comes to a long-term relationship.
And it turns out, with deal breakers, ladies have more of them than men. Likely, as WSJ points out, because the stakes are higher for them as they’re the ones who get pregnant and subsequently (and naturally) want to choose a suitable mate to help raise children. Somewhat surprisingly, more women than men rated bad sex as a major deal breaker. Not surprisingly, “lack of sense of humour” was a major no-go as well; the WPJ suggests this is the result of the link of sense of humour to intelligence. Women like men who can make them laugh. Period.
When it comes to men, they found “low sex drive” and “talks too much” to be bigger deal breakers. As we told you a few weeks back, men may not want a woman who is too smart either (or at least, one who is smarter than they are). Hmmm…perhaps the ideal candidate is a blow-up doll? (I’m just kidding, guys).
Both men and women agreed that the worst traits were someone who was “disheveled/unclean,” “lazy,” and “too needy.” That makes sense – that person sounds like a nightmare.
Naturally, people who consider themselves a good catch have more deal breakers because they feel they can afford to. Also, everyone has more deal breakers when considering a long-term relationship (which include “anger issues,” “is currently dating multiple partners,” and “person is untrustworthy.”), rather than a short-term one (“has health issues, such as STDs,” “smells bad” and “has poor hygiene”).
While I am a huge advocate of detecting your deal breakers right away, it’s important to consider whether your “no-gos” are rational; you could miss out on someone really great for you if their hair colour, eyebrow shape, or the fact that you don’t like their wardrobe are major drawbacks.
Not to mention, these days, it’s almost natural to focus on the perceived flaws with someone than the good things you have in common; with online dating, dating apps, and social media, it’s easier than ever to treat our dating choices like overwhelming menu options in a late night diner.
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