Black Friday Survival Guide

This isn’t anything new.

We’ve been following that great capitalist juggernaut below us for centuries. So why would a special shopping day based on a holiday we don’t even celebrate (at the same time, anyway) be any different? After all, if there’s money to be saved, never send to know for whom the sale tolls – it tolls for thee.

This is Black Friday in the city.

Be Prepared
You wouldn’t head into the wilderness without the proper equipment would you? This is dog-eat-dog and you’d better not forget it. Bring Band-Aids, bottled water, snacks, and hand sanitizer. Helmets are optional.

Have a Strategy
Know what you want and go and get it. Don’t be distracted by the sideshows. Make a route, have a blueprint – this is your chance to be a shopping ninja.

Take No Prisoners
Aw, so that little old lady wants the cellphone you’re already holding in your hand so she can give it to her granddaughter? Well back off, granny, this baby’s all mine. Assuming everyone is a liar will help you weed out the only truth that matters – trust no one.

Go it Alone
Some people will suggest going with a group. You know, the old divide and conquer approach. But at the end of the day these people will only slow you down or screw you over (remember: everyone is liar). Do you know how many relationships IKEA ruins on a daily basis? This is like that but multiplied by infinity plus two.

Do Your Due Diligence
Companies will try to offer you other deals. A few will attempt the old bait and switch. Be better than them. Do your research and know exactly what it is you want, what it looks like, and all the specs involved. And keep the receipt in case you miss something the first time around.

Be Nice
At the very least, to store employees. Despite how stressed out you are we promise they’re worse off. Not only that, but these guys are capable of making or breaking your entire Black Friday. Smile even if it hurts.

Keep it Real
You’re probably not going to get everything you want. Sorry, but it’s true. If you have a 10-item list, try to be happy if you manage to get two. That way, Black Friday won’t kill the happiness of the holidays before they even start.

Use Your Apps
Seriously, there are dozens of apps entirely dedicated just to Black Friday. Find one you like and use it to help you throughout the day or follow certain stores on Twitter for constant updates. The added advantage here is that you’re allowed to yell at your phone when it disappoints you – other people, not so much.

Dress Accordingly
Why are you wearing your winter coat, boots, and scarf? Would you show up to snowboard in a bathing suit? We didn’t think so.

No Kids Allowed
There’s a reason movies have ratings. And if Black Friday could receive one, we’re pretty sure it’d be an R. If you want your children to continue to believe in humanity and decent human goodness just a little longer, best to find yourself a babysitter.

Look at Your Calendar
Are there any days after November 29th, 2013? Good, we thought so. Try and keep in mind that while it may be the second biggest shopping day of the year (Boxing Day still reigns supreme), it’s not the only shopping day of the year. Stores will not turn into pumpkins at midnight.

Cyber Monday
This is an appealing alternative. Stay at home all weekend and do your shopping online on Monday. Deals will often be just as good if not better (though some of the hottest items will no doubt be sold out). Unless you’re looking for this year’s must-have item that requires a mad sprint more reminiscent of roller derby than shopping, this may be the safer option.

Good Luck
You’re gonna need it.

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Cover Image from: Mega64