Remember Samantha Jones’ advice in Sex in the City, when she said that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else?
Bless her and her wisdom, but that’s not true.
At least, it’s not if you’re still in pain and clearly not over it. Nope. The only way turning to the attention, arms and bed of another person will feel good is if you’re over your ex already. As in, 100 per cent over them… and not trying to convince yourself that you are (there’s a fine line). And if you are, then all the power to you.
But the unfortunate reality is that too many of us try to heal broken hearts and painful breakups with other people, whether we mean to or not.
We move on before we’re truly ready, pretending we’re ok with everything (i.e. the unraveling of our lives and future) when we’re not.
And it never, ever seems to work. In fact, it makes the whole depressing situation worse.
“Get back out there,” your friends will tell you as you stare at them through tears over lattes or booze (usually booze). “There are a ton of options,” they’ll remind you as they try to hijack your phone to install the hottest dating app of the week. They may even try to set you up with another “amazing catch” they know.
They’ll echo Jones’ character when they tell you to pull yourself together, buy a new outfit or get a haircut and find a hot distraction.
And yes, there is a degree of excitement that first time you lock eyes with a sexy stranger post-breakup – the kind of feeling that almost gets you excited to get back out in the much-to-be-desired urban dating game. If it evolves into something more than eye contact and an exchange of numbers, the newfound attention is nice. It’s reassuring (you’ve still got it, right?!).
Not to mention, allocating time, text messages and brain space to another person can be a welcome distraction to those persistent thoughts about your ex.
For a little while, the other person can almost erase your ex from your mind.
They can almost stop your fingers from scrolling up to the lovey-dovey couple shots of your ex on your phone, almost make you forget about all those amazing times you keep replaying in your mind and erase those lingering mental images of the way they used to look at you.
Almost.
That is, until you find yourself alone in your apartment. All the thoughts flood your mind at an amplified rate as you begin to compare this new person to your ex on everything from their job to the sex and the initial connection.
And usually, the new person ends up as “second best” (even when he or she may actually be the best thing for you).
Whereas a free heart tends to view new romantic situations through rose-coloured glasses (which, admittedly, can be dangerous), one that is still bruised and tied to your ex will view the new person through “ex lenses” (yes, I just made that up, but it’s accurate).
And if you are still mourning the relationship, the only rose-coloured glasses you’ll be looking through are the ones that reflect upon all the laughs, tender moments and love you shared with your ex (i.e. the good stuff, as opposed to the bad and ugly that led to the breakup).
Hence, the new person’s “second best” status.
But it isn’t a fair comparison to make. You haven’t been able to put yourself into a situation where you can be honest and emotionally available with the new person. And they can probably sense it.
As a result, they probably have as many walls and reservations as you do.
There’s a difference between being truly connected in a moment with someone and simply playing relationship house. That’s why the rebound rarely works out.
The breakup Band-Aid of a one-night stand is even worse. The post-breakup one-night stand is pretty much always a bad idea.
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First of all, it’s usually facilitated by booze (such an easy but horribly destructive solution to handling heartbreak), it’s never really that great, and the morning after usually fills you with a headache-filled void that can feel worse than the breakup itself. It’s a recipe for your bedroom to become a den of depression all Sunday long, as you miss your ex more than ever, thanks in part to the emotional hangover (and the fact that you’re alone on a Sunday).
It sounds so cliché – it is so cliché – but the only thing that can truly heal your heart in your journey forward is time, not another warm body.
And until you’ve taken that time to get over it, it will be difficult to have a truly genuine relationship with anyone else.
It may only take a few weeks before you magically snap out of it. Or, it could take a good few months, during which it may feel like it will never go away. It could even take a full year, as you allow yourself to grieve the relationship while living without the other person through all the seasons you once shared.
But you’ll get there.
I’d rather spend that time alone in self-awareness and growth then waste it in a relationship that was doomed from the start.
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