Hello, dear YP. I am back indeed with the same topic, but this time around with an additional part 2 – the male perspective. I was pleasantly bombarded with various opinions, many agreeing with my fluffy views while many others (mainly men) expressing a dissimilar sentiment. This left me curious and intrigued with the Montreal male perspective. And so I rounded up my male homies and assaulted them with questions over the last couple of weeks with the intention of answering: Beautiful Women, Many Single. Why, Montreal Men?
Before going ahead and spilling the beans, I would like to highlight that I would have probably needed a few years of research to really answer this question. Since I have a full-time job and a deadline for today, I figured I could begin by sharing my initial findings that I have categorized in three stages. The first stage is Courting, better defined as the challenge to find a date. The second stage is Dating, the period before a relationship, and the final one is In a Relationship. I can begin by confidently stating that all stages have only reaffirmed the complex and intricate nature of the Montreal dating scene. Let’s begin!
Stage 1: Grim Courting
High Standards
The astronomical standards set by women, both physically and professionally, have reached sky-high limits. Blame it on the perfect man picture propagated by magazines, movies, music videos and what not, but according to Montreal men, women are setting unreachable expectations for their potential significant others and consequently paving a path to singlehood. As is, women seek perfection and instantly filter out any guy that does not meet all six pages of their criteria.
Men, humble as they claim, admit that they practice the same filtering process, especially because of the generous amount of beautiful ladies in Montreal.
“The ladies in Montreal are hooooot! I date one hot girl and I see six equally hot ones sizzling my way. It’s hard”.
Yes, it’s very hard. (Note: sarcasm filled comment).
Hard Approach
Accordingly, many women in Montreal don’t give a guy a fraction of a second of their time. Worst of all, according to men, women don’t reject them kindly, but rather antagonistically. Not only does this make men slightly angry, but actually, as a male friend expressed, “It scares us”…further discouraging them in approaching women. As a male colleague explains:
“Women in public places have become really hard to approach or ask out. Really, you can’t say you know someone before spending at least a few hours alone talking with him, so give a brother a chance. And if it’s not the right guy for you, then it’s ok, just tell him and move on to the next one (and that should equally apply to guys).”
Plenty of Dating Options
Alternatively, the rejected men have found plenty of other means to approach a woman. Many claim finding a girl to “be with” (interpret it as you wish) has actually become rather easy nowadays. Many tools, including online dating, Facebook, and even LinkedIn (strange, I agree) have opened a wide door to quick and fast interactions. An ancient void in people’s lives has now been replaced with an overflowing amount of meeting and dating transactions, delaying any potential need to commit to a person.
Stage 2: Frivolous Dating
Let me start by emphasizing that, according to many male subjects in my focus groups, stage 1, better defined as “finding a girl to date,” is much more challenging than stage 2, “dating.” Allow me to explain.
Easy Come. Easy Go.
“Many Montreal women are too easy and wonder why no guy wants to really date them. Truth is, if you like a guy, then wait before giving it up.” It seems Montreal women hit a home run way too hastily. Many men, but not all (nationality was a real differentiating factor), stressed that if a women really likes a guy, she should wait…not days, not weeks, but months!
“There is no more challenge, it has become easy come, easy go.”
The Rule of Thumb
On the other side of the pendulum, some men have formulated a Home Run guideline.
Three Date Rule
If men haven’t reached a base after three dates, the lady will be dropped. Frankly, this really surprised me and pushed me to dig deeper. Men’s answer to my inquisitive interrogation wasn’t as obvious to them as they thought. After a while of contemplating, and searching deep within, they concluded that if a woman didn’t give in after three dates, then she was probably misleading them, using them for free dinners or simply for companionship.
One of my subjects expressed a worry that if after three dates things didn’t progress, then the relationship would naturally evolve to the Friend Zone.
“No one likes the Friend Zone. It’s purgatory hell! You are neither alive nor dead; you have been completely emasculated. No woman wants to be with a teddy bear.”
Stage 3: From ‘It’s Complicated’ to ‘In a Relationship’ to ‘It’s Complicated’
Rules of Engagement
If ladies are looking to label their rapport with their significant other with an “in a relationship” status, then they need to follow a few unspoken rules that have been established by the opposite sex. Here are a few suggested ones:
Speak About Today:
As much as this sounds cliché, many men freak out when women make bold statements about the future early on; “I want to have four kids, which means I have to start soon.” This disempowers the women right away. The male species advises women to postpone discussing about commitment, marriage, or babies too early on in a relationship. Instead, let the relationship grow organically and progress naturally.
Unfortunately, as ladies accumulate birthday candles, a little something called the biological clock starts ticking annoyingly, breaking the organic flow of a relationship and sometimes the relationship altogether. Women need to simply (replace simply with its antonym) find that fine balance, and follow their hearts instead of societal and biological pressures.
Make the Leap to the Next Step
On the other hand, many men explained they didn’t feel the need to label a relationship and most would simply not make the effort to do so.
“Sometimes you (women) literally need to say stuff like, ‘If by that date we haven’t moved to the next step of our relationship, I am gone.’ Guys can’t read your minds and we don’t have the same needs or the same expectations, period.”
Once again, ladies, the timing of this question seems to be as critical as the question itself.
Give Him Space
Some of my male subjects articulated that in the beginning of a relationship, women preferred to spend more time with their significant other, while men contrastingly required more space. Once again, women need to master that fine unspoken balance. Ideally, a lady needs to continue to live her life, while not reprioritizing and centering her existence around her boyfriend, because, hmmm, he might just dump her.
30s is the new 20s
We hear this every day: 30s are the new 20s! And let’s face it, it’s kind of true. We, men and women alike, still have the same stamina we did when we were in our 20s. We are still discovering ourselves, exploring our interests in life and in relationships, and the thought of commitment becomes a rather distant consideration.
The issue, however, lies back in that villainous biological clock; men don’t have it, women do! This forms a friction between both sexes and results in a pool of biologically ticking single women.
Different Prime Times
Additionally, a woman’s prime to attract men starts at a young age, let’s say 16 until early 30s. Men, on the other hand, begin their real prime in their 30s, when they are well established financially and in their careers.
These conflicting prime periods only deepen the tensions, create incompatibilities and add confusion to our already convoluted dating scene.
Stage 0: What Do Women Really Want?
One statement that kept on being repeated through my study was “What Do Women Really Want?”
Many guys suppose that women don’t really know what it is they are looking for, while many women continue to seek for that explosive oomph that fails to unravel. Why is that so?
The Notebook is a Movie
According to myriad men, numerous women seem to be looking for that awe-struck sudden infatuation. We have been made to believe that it exists, which maybe it does, but certainly not as much as romantic movies would suggest. Consequently, women keep waiting for something that seldom happens and continue to pave a road to singlehood.
High standards. No Compromise.
As I mentioned in my last article, women have become quite fulfilled with their lives. They have good careers, endless social activities, and the list could go on, leaving little time for a boyfriend. Many men have pointed this to be an issue and genuinely believe that women are not willing to compromise their lifestyle until a guy meets their six-page criteria and provides them with an unrealistic “Notebook” type of passion.
Settling
Conflictingly, when the biological clock starts ticking, many of the male species affirm that ladies’ standards of dating drop excessively, leading to settling, unhappy marriages, divorce, and back to the road to singlehood.
Conclusion
Sigh, this study has become personally disheartening. The quantity of double standards on both female and male sides has become intolerably confusing and so, to conclude, I would like to wish you all good luck.
But since I should end this on a positive note, I would like to share with you a theory that has been proposed to me, and that may temporarily patch up that deep and tragic insecurity that I may have inflected on you (sorry).
“On my side I always hear about good dudes that are looking for good girls and good girls that are looking for good dudes. In finance, that would be called frictional unemployment, where good employers and employees are around, both looking, but haven’t yet found each other.”
Is Montreal a hub for frictional dating?
Maybe, just maybe, an array of compatible single men and women do exist, but have simply not found each other.
On that note, I wish you all good luck.
