Once the weekend rolls around, there are a lot of things you could be doing during the day; perusing over-priced furniture, jogging past people that are actually having fun, rereading a book with a number and a colour in the title, or perhaps visiting your cute little niece or nephew in some annoying area your sibling moved to so their baby could be camouflaged by thousands of other babies.
There are plenty of great options for enjoying your hard-earned Satur-day and Sun-day.
But none of them are as great as drinking.
Warning: If you read this while day-drinking, you will never agree with anything more in your life.
1. It Couldn’t Be Less Like Work
Unlike a “job” job, with day-drinking, you only have two responsibilities: to drink and to make sure that while you drink, it’s not nighttime. The only thing that work and day-drinking have in common is that sometimes, by six o’clock, you want to barf on someone.
2. When You Start Early, The Possibilities Are Endless
You know the saying, people: The early bird gets the worm…especially when it’s drinking tequila. As the day grows old, places close and ideas that only make sense when you’re wasted – also known as the best ideas – quickly expire. If you don’t start drinking until 7pm, how the hell are you going to end up on a stranger’s boat by sunset or crashing T-Pain’s booth in Vegas?
3. You End Up Eating Exactly What You Want for Dinner
How many times have you ever heard someone that was drunk at 6:18pm on a Saturday say, “I think I’ll have the steamed kale”? There’s what you should eat, and then there’s what you want to eat; with day-drinking, everybody gets what they want. And what they want usually looks like pizza.
4. The Drink Deals Are WAY Better
It’s almost like they’re taunting you because they don’t think you have the stones to go through with it. “$4 Mimosas with Brunch”, “$5 Caesars Before 6”, “$100 Bottles of Grey Goose With an Order of Spelt Pancakes”? Um, yes please. Once night rolls around, so do the price hikes, so make them sorry they ever doubted your conviction.
5. Delicious, Refreshing Cocktails Are Way More Delicious and Refreshing During the Day
Fact: Margaritas, Arnold Palmers, Rosé, White Wine, Coronas, and any other drink that has ever made anyone sound like they were shamelessly auditioning for a Coke commercial hits its optimal deliciousness between 11am and 5pm. You’re supposed to be enjoying life, not arguing with science.
6. The Wardrobe Options Are Infinitely Better
“Mangled jean shorts and a snap-back Jays hat? F**k, ya! I actually want someone to puke on this shirt!” Not to mention the possibility of bathing suits. When you’re gearing up for a solid day-drink, it’s not about glamour; it’s about being relaxed and rocking your own comfortable style.
7. By the Time You Go Out at Night Everyone Else Has Gotten 50-60% Better Looking
It’s entirely true and as far as I can tell, there’s only one possible explanation: day-drinking gives you magic powers. So, I know what you’re thinking; yes, Harry Potter is most definitely an alcoholic.
8. You Can Still Go to Bed Early and Get Like, a Thousand Hours of Sleep
“Day” is the only word you can combine with “drinking” and still come out looking like a responsible adult just because you got up at 7:30am the next day and didn’t look like a swan carcass. Well, that and “No” or “Light”, but those are just dumb.
9. It’s the Ultimate Affirmation of Life and Free Will
If George Washington never said that, then I just f**kin’ did. There are only a few instances in life when you wholeheartedly think to yourself, “I am truly free”. One is the moment after you finalize your first divorce. Another is when you’re day-drinking. And it just so happens that both are exceptionally compatible.
Drink early, and drink responsibly.
You’ve earned it.