No matter where we are romantically right now, we all have a past.
Whether you’re single, coupled up, or about to add your current significant other to the pile of exes on the list, most of us have some skeletons in the closet.
Sometimes our pasts wore leather jackets, drove fast cars, and made our parents sick with worry. Others wore sensible shoes and always had us home on time – but we can’t seem to think about them without cringing.
Allow us to open up the Ex-Files and review the eight types of former flames you’ve probably had.
The WTF Was I Thinking
Shudder-inducing, we all probably have one ex who makes us cringe to even contemplate. Just what in the blue blazes were you thinking with this one?! There must have been a reason why you stayed with them at the time – cool car, naively thinking this was as good as it would get, or mind-altering sex. Either way, they remind you of a time when you were a VERY different person, so you’re just going to have to chalk it up to experience.
The ‘One’ That Wasn’t the One
The heartbreaker to end all heartbreakers – this was the person you saw when you envisaged your cookie-cutter future. You probably thought you’d be walking down the aisle to marry them and pictured them behind your white picket fence, but for whatever reason it just wasn’t to be. It was hard at the time and your friends had the patience of a goddamn saint, but now, as Queen Bey would say, “You turned out to be the best thing I never had.”
The Never Introduced You To His Friends and Family
“This weekend just isn’t a good time,” or “You’ll meet them eventually” sound familiar? This is the ex who could never quite fit meeting the fam in – despite the fact that you dated for well over a year. Perhaps he didn’t see a future for the two of you, or maybe he was just very embarrassed about his extended clan.
The Booty Call
Yes, you knew it wasn’t quite right. No, you didn’t want to date any more. But somehow you just couldn’t cut them out of your life cold turkey. Quickly you fell into the trap of calling them whenever you were lonely and hooking up for a “one-time-only” sort of deal… that went on for far too long. It eventually ended when one of you found someone else and stopped returning the late night booty calls and texts.
The One That Got Away
Once you guys split and all the mourning, binge-drinking and reminders of your relationship were long gone from your life and your apartment, you still couldn’t shake that pang of regret. Did we do the right thing? It seemed to make sense at the time, but looking back, they were kind of perfect for you and it’s getting very fuzzy trying to figure out why you guys couldn’t quite make it work.
The Ex Who Gets a New Girlfriend Immediately
Once you emerge from your duvet three days after the breakup, your blankets stained with chocolate chip ice cream and snot, you tentatively log into Facebook to see what’s been going on in the world since you went into hibernation. Lo and behold, that snake of an ex has ALREADY hooked up with someone else and is ‘In a Relationship’. Back under the covers you go.
The Reincarnated-Ex Who Got Much Better Looking When You Split
You’re not shallow, which is why you guys dated for two years. And even though your significant other never went shopping that entire time and wore decade-old dirty sneakers and jeans his mother bought him from Old Navy, you never told him to change. So it’s completely unfair that the minute you split, he immediately started shopping at J-Crew and posting profile pictures of him with designer stubble.
The One Who Became Your Friend
That RAREST of beasts, is the ex you somehow manage to put all your differences aside for to remain friends with post-Dumpsville. Perhaps you were pals before you got together romantically, or maybe you had fallen out of love so drastically that it made it that much easier to keep things friendly after you split. Whatever the key to your success is, you’re the envy of all your friends who now have a handful of favourite bars/restaurants/neighbourhoods they don’t dare go for fear of bumping into their exes.