I don’t like coffee. Never have, and probably never will.
Most people’s initial reaction is some variation of shock and awe. Some take it over the top (“You don’t drink COFFEE!?”) while others do a quick mental backpedal and try to play it cool. But I can see the judgement in their eyes.
And I guess on some level I understand. Our nation is pretty much run on coffee. Everyone needs their steamy brew in the mornings to function, and coffeehouses have become central hubs for people from all walks of life to gather and bond over carefully crafted cups of joe. So to find another humanoid who runs off alternative fuels can be blindsiding.
For others who have rejected the Almighty Bean as their lord and saviour, the following scenarios might seem familiar.
“How do you stay awake in the mornings?”
This morning ritual is often replaced by a carefully increased dose of sleep – a nearly extinct practice, phased out by most during the university and college years.
“You’ll like it more if you add all this cream and sugar!”
Believe it or not, I’m not actually that torn up about not liking coffee. I’m actually very comfortable with the idea of people walking by and seeing an alternative beverage in my hand. But some people seem to be under the impression that I’m desperate to join the coffee club by any means necessary.
“Is it okay if we go to Starbucks?”
Weird how people suddenly think that non-coffee drinkers must be against going to coffee shops. You do know that they serve other things there, right?
“But you’re drinking tea. Tea has caffeine.”
A shocking number of people feel the need to provide a PSA on this fact as if all non-coffee drinkers need to be alerted to the dangers of hidden caffeine sneakily lurking in other unsuspecting beverages.
“It’s an acquired taste.”
You’ll forgive me if I pass on this particular beverage addiction since I’ve already established that I think coffee grounds look like dirt and kind of tastes that way, too.
“Are you just like, super healthy?”
“Oh yeah. Super healthy,” I say as I open a bag of Doritos in front of them without breaking eye contact.