You know how sometimes you look at executives asking an assistant to do stuff for them and you think, “Well THAT would be awesome for my life”?
Well, you’re right. It would be.
And even that’s an understatement; having a life-assistant would be life-changing.
Not only would most of us become superhuman overnight, but we’d save years of cumulative time, inefficient energy, and general hair-pulling and upper-nose-pinching.
And while the average schmo has access to high-end services like Modern Concierge in Toronto or more affordable PAs throughout the US via Care.com ($10-$25/hr), chances are most of us won’t be burning the cash to sub-contract out the minutia of our lives any time soon.
So for now, we can aspire and we can dream. Namely, about how glorious life would be if we…
1. Never forgot about daylight savings
2. Never had to figure out how to change the time on a f***ing car clock
3. Never forgot to do our laundry / drop off our dry cleaning before a trip or an event
4. Never forgot to pick up dry cleaning after we finally remembered to drop off our dry cleaning
5. Always remembered everyone’s birthday even when we didn’t log into Facebook
6. Remembered everyone’s name without having to awkwardly introduce them to the three people whose names we actually remembered
7. Never realized half-way through the day that our socks / tights had a hole in them
8. Never got tricked into opening a useless marketing letter from our bank because they made the envelope look important
9. Never had to write another generic Birthday/Holiday/Celebration/Thank You card (ya, that sounds terrible, but we know you were thinking it)
10. Always got the cheapest possible flights
11. Were always on time for flights
12. Had someone to blame when we weren’t on time for flights
13. Never answered a call from a telemarketer
14. Never answered a call
15. Had someone check and summarize our voicemails…especially the 2 ½ minute ones from our parents that start with them identifying themselves and providing a fairly concise explanation for the message, but somehow devolve into a prologue for their autobiography and a hypothesis of what we might say when we call them back, only to finish with the redundant instructions to, “Anyway, just call me back”
16. Never had to set up another Facebook Event and spend 43 minutes on invites only to feel like as ass for missing someone
17. Never over-wore our underwear
18. Always had a coffee waiting for us in the morning
19. Never had to use OpenTable or Yelp again
20. Could practice our road-rage rather than our driving
21. Never forgot to buy birth-control
22. Never forgot to take birth-control
23. Never forgot someone was a vegan before we hosted a dinner party
24. Never forgot to respond to an important email
25. Never had to read another excruciating email thread just to reply, “I’m in”
26. Never clicked through on someone’s Facebook post and read an article only to find out it was written by a conspiracy theorist or an 8 year old
27. Had every task, appointment and commitment recorded somewhere
28. Never ran out of ice cream
29. Never had to use an iron
30. Always knew exactly what we owed on a group bill, including tax and tip
31. Were fed a constant stream of gift ideas for upcoming occasions
32. Never forgot to call our parents back because they, and insurance companies, are the only people that still leave voicemails
33. Woke up to a new phone the day after breaking the screen…again
34. Never forgot about construction before we picked a route
35. Never ran out of paper towel or toilet paper
36. Could just say stuff out loud instead of physically packing a suitcase
37. Always had a great soundtrack for what we were doing
38. Never forgot an important thought
39. Never forgot to give someone our business card
40. Never had to go pick up a bottle of wine
41. Never forgot to drink water before going to bed after drinking a bottle of wine
42. Never had to hang something on the wall
43. Had someone to tell people, “They’re not to be disturbed”
44. Never forgot our belt, our headphones or our phone charger
45. Never lost a coat-check ticket
46. Never ran out of date ideas
47. Never forgot to buy Club Soda and Tonic
48. Never got a parking ticket because we left our car illegally parked for literally, like, 2 minutes
49. Always had someone to discreetly hand us a piece of gum
50. Had someone to remind us when we’re acting like an entitled brat
51. Had someone to read us really, really long lists…
#NOTABLE
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