24 Thoughts on a First Date That Probably Mean It’s Going Nowhere

While “love at first sight” has little scientific credibility and marks a rather risky approach to romance, we’ve all had first dates during which our fates were effectively sealed, whether we acknowledged it or not.

If one or more of these thoughts go through your head on a first date, chances are the person across from you is a left-swipe for long-term love.


1. Thank God they’re good looking.
STOP DATING DUMMIES; it never lasts. Unless you’re on the rebound. Then you know the drill.

2. Sh*t, I forgot their kid’s name again.
You’re probably not ready to be a parent, no matter how good this person is in bed.

3. Did they just say, “Irregardless”?
Nope. Nope. Nope. They need to know words.

4. Would have been nice to know we weren’t gonna spend time getting ready.
You care about first appearances, they may or may not have had a shower. Fundamental gap.

5. I wonder if Netflix released a new movie today.
If you’re craving sweatpants, Nutella, and make-believe people, you’re probably not in soul-mate territory.

6. Was that another self-compliment?
This rarely gets better before they turn 70. And if they refer to themselves in the 3rd person, you have our permission to bounce a martini olive off their forehead.

7. I wish my bladder was smaller.
Work meetings, music festivals, and boring first dates: pee-breaks will save your life.

8. Ya, might as well keep in touch; maybe they have hot friends…
For the record, this is a REALLY SOLID STRATEGY. But it’s not a good sign for the two of you.

9. I hope they’re more polite to their mother than they are to this server.
Fact: people that are rude to servers should be eaten by a whale.

10. That is an uncanny resemblance to my (insert relative).
Maybe a cousin. Cousins are hot sometimes. Anything closer and you’ll never get over it.

11. Your friends/exes sound horrible.
Great people are never close with a lot of questionable people; stop scrounging for exceptions.

12. In 3 or 4 drinks, this will be kinda “fun”.
You could say the same thing about Sharknado. But nobody should ever date Sharknado.

13. If they interrupt one more time, I’m going to start using sign language.
Actually, this is more about you. If you hate interruptions that much, things are gonna get ugly.

14. Wait…do I get what happens in Inception?
You should probably watch it again. And not with this person.

15. Great! So now I know everything about their ex…
Either you’re too sensitive to ex-talk or their carry-on won’t fit in the overhead compartments.

16. Wow, that guy/girl over there is f***ing hot (x > 2)
Looks aren’t everything, but you should probably find your date the most distracting thing in the room.

17. I’m going to assume that “job” they just mentioned is temporary.
“Entrepreneurship” can be a strange concept, can’t it?

18. I guess that date last week wasn’t so bad.
Remember what you plan to tell your children: 2nd place is the 1st loser.

19. Please, I’d love one answer that doesn’t sound rehearsed.
If it sounds scripted, to some degree it probably is. Unless you’re on a date with Ryan Seacrest. In which case you’re good, and you’re totally ordering the most expensive thing on the menu.

20. I should book that trip to (insert far-away land).
Travelling to foreign locations is fun…especially when your date will never find you there.

21. 10 whole minutes on Zodiac signs, huh?
At some point, they’ll probably need therapy. And given what you just heard, it’s unlikely to work.

22. I get it; your dog is f***ing cute
If you are dog-indifferent, do not date a dog fanatic; you will forever think they’re insane.

23. Wow, is there anything they like more than money?
Ew. Unless you’re the same way. Then ew.

24. Holy s*it, was that a question?!
Breaking Bad, cheese, and listening; three things that are definitely not overrated. Same goes for pre-planned, fabricated “emergencies”.