“Oh, didn’t you hear about your ex?” says your friend, casually, as if she’s just dropped a minor spoiler alert about Game of Thrones series six.
“Yeah, he’s getting married. I thought everyone knew?” she continues, with all the subtlety and tact of a Kanye tweet.
Your ex is moving on, so far in fact that they’re changing their married status in the process and maybe even their surname in the process.
And of course you’re over them too. That goes without saying. But, there’s still something about an ex getting married that you can never truly be prepared for.
Here are the 21 first thoughts you have when you find out your ex is getting married.
1. F**k. What the f**k? No. Surely this is some kind of….I can’t even…. F**k!?
2. Well, that is a relief. I mean, I really dodged that bullet. In the words of Beyoncé, he was the “Best Thing I Never Had”.
3. He did move pretty quickly though, didn’t he? I mean, we were dating for three years, and we broke up just over a year ago. So best case scenario, they’ve still only been going out for one year. Which isn’t very long at all.
4. He probably thinks she’s “the one”. Pu-lease.
5. I didn’t even know he was dating anyone. I wonder if any of our mutul friends knew about this. They were probably trying to protect me by not telling me. Which is ridiculous because I am so completely over him. As if I care if he’s getting married!
6. Ok. I’m over the shock now. I’m pleased for him. And her, whoever she is. No hard feelings. Just because it didn’t work out with us, does not mean I’m not happy for him.
7. Wait. He lied. What a complete and utter LIAR. He told me he NEVER wanted to get married. So it was just me he didn’t want to get married to.
8. He obviously didn’t think I was “wife material”, whatever that means. What makes her so marry-able?
9. Well, he ‘won’ the breakup I guess. He bounced back, found love and now I’m going to die alone.
10. Then again, who even gets married anymore? Last time I checked it was 2016 for crying out loud, and people didn’t bother with that bullsh*t.
11. Maybe she’s religious? Or older? And she’s forcing him to marry her. He was always such a pushover.
12. I hope she’s ugly. And boring. What was Adele on about, wishing “nothing but the best for you two?” I, on the other hand, want to run you pair of smiling idiots over with my car.
13. Poor girl. I feel a bit sorry for her in all honestly. She’ll have to deal with all his weird shit for the rest of her life. Clipping his toenails in bed. Intimacy issues. Always calling his mother right after they have a fight…
14. She’s probably a little stupid. Or needy. I always felt that I was a bit too intelligent for him. Like he secretly begrudged me being an independent woman who could hold her own. He could never truly handle me.
15. Not that I’m totally “independent”. I’ll probably be dating again within the month. My date last week went great and I’m sure my Tinder guy will respond to my last text any day now…
16. This is all about me, of course. He knows I’ll find out, so he’s just doing it to get back at me. I’m the one that got away.
17. We’re never going to have sex together EVER again. Not even drunk, booty call, I-feel-sad-and-alone-but-I’ll-regret-it-instantly-the-next-day-sex. Not even the option of it. Which is a good thing. But it’s a very weird feeling.
18. I wonder what the wedding will be like. His best man certainly has a lot of embarrassing stories to tell at his speech. Oh god, his drunk aunt will be there. And his sister will probably be a bridesmaid, even though she’s not the most photogenic, shall we say? Never liked her anyway.
19. I wonder if his parents like her as much they liked me. I doubt it. His mom loved me. She said I was like a second daughter to her. She’s probably a bit disappointed that it’s not me he’s marrying.
20. At least I’m having more fun. I’m not tied down to anyone. I’m single and I can do whatever I want…
21. And right now I want to creep them on Facebook :/