You know the type.
You may even become one someday.
And while most of our parent friends couldn’t be cooler, there are always “those parents” that seem to have morphed into completely different people altogether upon the arrival of their baby.
Here are 15 things non-parents just don’t understand about those certain parent friends:
1. Have You Lost the Ability to Discuss Anything Other than Your Kid?
Meals out aren’t cheap in our cities and it isn’t easy for anyone to make time to do brunch or dinner with friends. Don’t make us wish we stayed in in our sweats and ordered Swiss Chalet if 99 per cent of the conversation is dominated by your baby.
2. Will Your Instagram Ever Contain Pictures of You Again?
We get it, your kid is super cute. Seriously, we really do think so. But do they need to own every single piece of real estate in your social media feed? Especially when your social media feeds used to be filled with cool pictures of you doing anything and everything you love(d) to do. We get your life has changed for the best, but it makes us think we’ve lost our friend – and they’ve been replaced by a 15-pound surrogate who can’t carry a decent conversation.
3. Is There a Shortage of Babysitters in the City?
If it’s really that difficult to find a babysitter so you can hit the town with us once every few months, then someone should open a real-life Babysitters Club in this city. We’re pretty sure Elisabeth Shue isn’t up to too much these days anyway…
4. Do Weekend Brunches Really Have to Revolve Around Nap Time?
Especially when they’re now so rare to begin with? We mean, will it kill the kid to hit the sheets for his afternoon nap a half hour later than normal? It’s Saturday; he can stay up a half hour later, no? Or will he spontaneously combust? Just wondering – ‘cause we actually don’t know the answer.
5. Since When is Everything “We?”
Wait, can you clarify? When you say “we” just learned how to flush the toilet or to stop sucking “our” thumb, you’re only talking about the kid, right?
6. Why Do You Think We’ve Never Been Around a Baby Before?
Because you kind of make us feel like we’re about to hold an alien.
7. Why Have We Become a Source of Entertainment?
Just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean we’re still partying the same as we did in our early twenties (well, most of the time). So, to answer your question, no, we don’t have any good stories for you. Though sometimes we wish we did.
8. Are You Sure You Can’t Stay for One More Drink?
Because, you know, it’s only 11:30pm on a Saturday and it’s already a miracle you’re here in the first place – do you really have to leave when the night is just getting started?
9. You Know We’re Busy too, Right?
Listen, we see how busy you are with the kid(s) and we really do applaud you. But, just because we don’t have kids, doesn’t mean that we’re not busier than we’ve ever been as well. We’re doing all the things we won’t have as much time for when we have kids ourselves.
10. When Did You Become So Innocent?
You may like to forget the epic stories we have on you from five years ago, but we remember them clear as day. And yes, we definitely have some of our own. So stop judging our single friends.
11. Did You Have to Bring Your Kid to the Party Unannounced?
Because it’s a nighttime house party, and having to keep our voices and the music down totally sucks, your baby being here without warning is really killing the vibe, as cute as it was at the start. Where the hell is Elisabeth Shue?
12. Did Your Significant Other Change Their Name to “Mommy” or “Daddy?”
Because that’s confusing us even more than the whole “we” thing…
13. Did You Really Need to Share that Information at Dinner?
‘Cause now we can’t even finish this meal…and you’re kind of ruining the whole ‘wanting to have kids thing’ for us. Things off limits at dinner: The bodily functions (including boogers) of your kid, tearing and stitches, and pregnancy sex nine months in.
14. Why Do You Think Everyone Wants What You Have Right Now?
Yes, your life does look fulfilling, and yeah, we could envision that for ourselves in the near future. So could a lot of our single friends who you just finished bashing. But we’re kind of good with everything we have going on right now. Thanks, though.
15. Are You Ever Coming Back?
Because, as much as we appreciate you sharing this amazing time in your life with us (and yes, we’re actually being serious), we kind of miss our friend.