While each wedding is unique and special, once the attendance cracks 100, you tend to find a pretty consistent cast of supporting characters. Some good, some bad, but all part of the experience.
So in honour of summer wedding season, we suggest that the next time you’re at one, have fun with a little game of “I Spy” and see how many of these reception regulars you can spot…
The Guy Who Thinks His Dance Moves are Hilarious
Probably an only child, this guy can’t get enough of the dance circle, but usually the dance circle has had quite enough of him. Humping motions, shopping carts, ironic twerking, and the odd worm are popular go-tos, but don’t be surprised if you see a sprinkler or a half-assed Carlton as the night goes on. Whatever you do, don’t encourage him.
The Perverted Uncle
He never fools anyone; nobody cares that much about what a 22-year-old plans to do with her Poli Sci degree. It’s not often this guy gets to chat up a young babe in a hot dress and be immune to incarceration, so witnesses or not, he’s taking full advantage of natural wedding-context assumption of good intentions by all. Often, this guest is accompanied by “The Aunt Pretending Not to be Embarrassed by Her Perverted Husband”.
The Grandparent Who Speaks Zero English
They don’t understand a damn thing anyone is saying all night – and who knows if they’re even at the right wedding – but that doesn’t stop them from smiling at everyone and everything and being downright adorable.
If you’re not looking to get trashed, you need to quickly spot this guest and avoid any interactions with them that are either near a bar or more than four minutes in length. Otherwise, you will get caught in the tequila crossfire. And don’t fool yourself; with this character, it’s never just one…
The Wedding Cougar
With less inhibitions and more access to camouflage, this sub-species of the most widely observed sexual predator is particularly common and especially dangerous within the wedding terrain. If caught in close proximity to one, it is often advised to distract it with alternate prey or to simply play dead.
The Total Mismatch
Nope, I don’t know how he ended up with her either, but what I do know is that it’s bothering everybody else in the room too. Maybe he’s really funny, maybe she’s been blackmailed, it could be anything…except fair.
The Dress-Code Rebel
Whatever their particular brand of sabotage – dress shorts, leather sports coat, floral shirt patter, skateboard shoes, a whacky tie – they are doing it for attention at somebody else’s wedding, so feel free to help them accessorize with a full glass of Merlot.
The Napping Geezer
Not only did they wake up a 4:30am and then eat their biggest meal of the decade two hours after bedtime, but they’ve also been to about a hundred of these things. Can you blame them for hitting the snooze button? Just snap quick pic with your camera phone and maybe check their pulse every couple of Michael Jackson songs.
Bar, bathroom, bar, bar, bathroom, bar, bathroom, dance floor, bar, bathroom, bar, dance floor, bar, bar, bathroom, fresh air, bar, dance floor, bar, taxi, bathroom floor.
The Emotional Mess
Crying before the vows, during the speeches, and after the first dance? Bingo. Keep a safe distance. This is a hellish 26-minute conversation about “love”, “decisions” and “how quickly time goes by” just waiting to happen.
The Woman Whose New Home Address is the Dessert Table
There’s always one woman there with some kind of X-Men power that allows her to eat 16 pounds of candy and chocolate without sneezing out her pancreas. And you know exactly why her purse is twice its original size when she leaves.
The Boomer Who Can’t Stop Boogying
The most remarkable thing about this one is their total indifference to the actual music to which they are supposed to be dancing. Eminem? The twist. Guns ‘N Roses? The Maracas. Nicki Minaj? An impression of a roller-blader having a stroke. They don’t care and they don’t stop.
The Miserable Couple
If the general mood wasn’t so cheerful and heartwarming, maybe nobody would notice that these two only look each other in the eyes to mouth the word, “Die”. But given the context, these two usually aren’t difficult to spot. Especially since one of them often ends up going a tad heavy on the sauce…
There’s always someone at a wedding who has four-too-many, and unless the bride & groom hired Flava Flav as their MC, that someone is the real entertainment for the evening. But hey; that’s what open bars are for. Well, that and forgetting to tip eleven times in a row.