Just as the world is filled with incredibly warm, inspiring, and intelligent souls, our planet also boasts too many handfuls of utter sh*t.
We’re talking about people here – the type who are lightyears away from being lightyears away from a Notable Award nomination.
Every day we feature, cover, and tell the stories of some of the best and brightest people of our generation, their achievements a shining beacon of hard work, resourcefulness, talent, and the fact that they exist in glorious contrast to these 12 individuals…
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Marco Muzzo
This man became Canada’s face of drunk driving when he caused a crash that killed three siblings and their grandfather while he was impaired behind the wheel north of Toronto in September.
Kim Davis
Some people can’t handle the fact that we’ve progressed as a society to allow same-sex marriage. Luckily, most of them reserve their gripes for Thanksgiving and reddit and can’t exercise their bigotry through any sort of position of authority. Kim Davis is unfortunately among the latter group, choosing to illegally deny marriage licenses to gay couples as the county clerk for Rowan County, Kentucky.
Martin Shkreli
What’s truly astonishing about Martin Shkreli is the smug indifference he exhibits in the face of his serial asshattery. Sure, it’s one thing to be a money-hungry pile of rubbish, but it takes a special degree of depravity to wholeheartedly defend hiking up the price of an AIDS drug by 5000 per cent with Eminem lyrics.
Donald Trump
Or as Ashley Feinberg calls him, “What would happen if a caps lock key was granted one wish and that wish was to come to life” – and if that caps lock key was a war-mongering racist with a loudspeaker and stupid hat.
Photo: Mandel Ngan
Sepp Blatter
The man who embodies his name – which is to say, a sphere of urine – was finally kind of held accountable for an unyielding series of corruptions during his 17-year reign as president of FIFA, soccer’s governing body. The most significant, of course, was handing the 2022 World Cup to the desert Qatar for, presumably, yachts filled wish cash. He’s currently serving an eight-year suspension from all soccer-related activities.
Photo: Arnd Wiegmann
Nicole Arbour
Sure, it’s her job to make jokes, but people sure as hell didn’t think it was funny when she released a video titled ‘Dear Fat People’. She’s Canadian, too, which sucks.
Jared Fogle
Everyone’s only recognizable sandwich spokesman plead guilty to possessing child pornography and traveling to pay for sex with minors in August, a charge he is currently serving 15 years in prison for. It also stretched our capacity to make foot-long jokes to the thinnest fibre of being.
Timothy Loehmann and Frank Garmback; Timothy McGinty
The first two bozos are the trigger-happy police offers responsible for opening fire on and killing 12-year-old Cleveland boy Tamir Rice. Just as shocking was this week’s news that a grand jury will not pursue criminal charges against the duo after prosecutor Timothy McGinty successfully blamed the boy for his own death.
Jalapeno Mac n’ Cheese Kid
As far as entitlement goes, former UConn student Luke Gatti singlehandedly set the millennial generation back 25 years when he threw an epic tantrum after unsuccessfully soliciting a portion of japaleno mac n’ cheese from a member of the school’s cafeteria staff.
Petra Lazlo
Her name rings with resounding insignificance, which, in an ideal world, would be equally applied to her existence. You’ll best remember her as the devilwoman who tripped fleeing refugees at the Roszke immigrant camp at the Hungary-Serbia border.
Walter Palmer
Already an unpleasant individual on account of being a dentist, Dr. Palmer became public enemy number one in July when he killed Zimbabwe’s beloved Cecil the Lion for sport.
Rachel Dolezal
Our liberal society grants us a lot of freedom to choose how and with what we’d like to identify. While race is not one of those variables, it that didn’t stop white girl Rachel Dolezal – president of the Spokane NAACP, by the way – to repeatedly mischaracterize herself as African-American.
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