If you’re like most people, you have at least a few friends who are prone to making crazy promises. In which case, you have officially entered wedding season.
Between the weekend commitments, the cheque-writing, and the dry-cleaning, this can be a daunting time. But it’s important to remember that with all things considered, weddings are awesome and ultimately, they’re a ton of fun.
If you do them properly…
Remember: It’s Not About You
When it’s your wedding, you can whine about mediocre food and boring speeches. But when you’ve accepted an invitation to someone else’s big day, don’t forget that if they’re having a good time, you should be too.
Don’t Wear Underwear
Pretty much the #1 rule; it makes everything about a wedding more fun. Also, at some point, someone is going to chew your ear off about their dead-end job or their painfully unoriginal vacation and your one psychological salvation will be the luxury of thinking to yourself, “There is nothing covering my genitals.”
Plan and Perfect Two Solid Dance Moves
Everyone loves a flawless Sprinkler or a fearless Worm. Every wedding needs that person who unexpectedly and unapologetically demolishes the centre of a dance circle. With a little bit of prep, you can be that person. You should be that person.
Tell the Babysitter to Suck It Up ‘Cause It’s Gonna Be a Late One
To those with children, if I hear one more of you act like babysitters are part of some intimidating union, I’m going to lose my sh*t. Tell them the job is ‘till 3am and if they whine about it, remind them that their night is ruined anyway, so they might as well make an extra forty bucks napping on a couch.
Spend At Least 10 Minutes Talking to the Drunkest Person Over 60
Old drunk people say the most wonderful things. That is all.
Take A Lot of Pictures
Don’t leave it up to the wedding photographer and the photobooth; round people up, get them to pose and your appreciation for the evening will rise with every poke of your iPhone screen.
Have Sex in a Bathroom
Ok, so not everywhere and everyone has this option. But if you do have this option, TAKE IT. TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT.
Dance with a Baby Boomer
I don’t know what it is about these people, but they love dancing and they’re generally terrible at it. They might not be able to do the Stanky Leg, but get them grooving to an 80s tune and your night will turn epic in no time.
Request a Salsa Song
There’s a chance the DJ doesn’t have one in stock, but if they do, everyone will be in your debt. And don’t go light on the shoulder-shimmying.
Hang Near the Single People
There’s a flock at every wedding. If you’re part of it, great; don’t squander the privilege. If you’re not, find them and party with them. Single people are naturally incentivized to maximize fun at weddings, so if you want to make it a night of YOLO, hang with the folks that are solo.
Turn Off Your Phone
I know you’ll probably need it for some photos, but outside of that, get rid of the hardware. If you can’t suspend a few useless text threads to appreciate the beauty and privilege of a wedding celebration, you’re on track for some big problems. Dive in, appreciate, and enjoy.