You’re an adult now.
We know – it has its good days and its bad days. But one thing it definitely means is that you’ve been around long enough to know that some things change and some things never will.
And all we want you to do is shut up about the latter.
So if you’re still talking about any of the following in social situations – stop.
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Slow Internet
When you were born it didn’t exist. Ten years ago you didn’t have it on your phone. Five years ago it wasn’t guaranteed to be wireless. You’ve ‘suffered’ before. You’ll live – ‘cause you know what, the Internet is magic and you should be happy to get it any way you can.
Mondays
If we hear another person complain about something that happens FIFTY TIMES A YEAR as if it’s a surprise we’re going to quit showing up in public once every seven days.
Having a Job
You know how you have things like food and shelter? Ya, that’s cause you work. If you don’t like what you do – change it. Just quit talking about changing it without actually doing it.
Slow Service at a Fast Food Restaurant
You have made many poor choices to end up here.
The Weather
No, Janice, it’s not raining just cause you decided to wear a white t-shirt today. It’s raining because the gods are angry, obviously.
Hangovers
You literally did this to yourself. For the ten-thousandth time. Deal with it alone.
How “Busy” You Are
We all are. Unless you’re name is Barack Obama or Yeezus, you’re not too busy to answer a call, and email, or just be a decent human for five minutes and listen to us complain about how hungover we are.
Being Bored
We’re just going to leave this here…
Public Transportation
It sucks for everyone because, well, it usually just sucks. So complaining about it is like being in a tornado and getting pissed off at the wind. Just ride it out silently please.
Drama
You’re an adult. If there’s drama everywhere you go we have news for you, you’re the one bringing it. Stop complaining about who said what and who did what. Stop causing shit , and – as importantly – stop talking about it when you do.
People Getting Married & Having Babies
This is what people do. And they’re pretty much the top moments in their lives. Stop being shitty about them posting about it on social media or talking about it when they see you. We promise, your late night at the bar that you hardly remember is not a better story than their everlasting love, or that actual HUMAN BEING they made.
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