You know the people we’re talking about.
They’re not posting cool pictures as much as they are constructing a persona. But as unique and authentic as they might envision that public persona being, more and more are simply caricatures of a few classic over-sharers that we’ve come to hate for their ridiculousness, but love for their entertainment and occasional heckle-value.
Ok, maybe more than occasional.
Now, don’t get us wrong; we’re not endorsing a hater’s mentality. It’s just that sometimes, you really have no choice but to embrace it.
Here are the 10 classic Instagram characters we all love to hate to follow. Unfollow at your own risk (of having nothing to sarcastically send your friends on group chats)…
The Non-Stop Couply Couple-Stuff Couple-Grammer
We get it. You’re in a relationship and it’s way more fun than crying into a bowl of Gold Medal Ribbon. But did you really have to post that picture of you two next to an omelette? Or on the ski lift? Or at the dog park? Or making that funny face in front of that weird foreign sign? No. No, you didn’t.
The Spandex Philosopher
So let’s just make sure we get this: you partied like a rapper in university, then at 26 did a $4,000 yoga retreat in New Zealand, and now you love photos of “inspirational” quotes, exotic teas and being upside down near water? Ok, just checking. And it totally looks inspiring, but no, we’re probably not going to read that book in the sunset picture…no, not that sunset picture, the other one.
The Math-Defying Socialite
Wait, how did you go to eleven parties on Friday? And how did you afford all those charity gala tickets? Don’t you have an entry-level sales & marketing job? And do you actually have a different outfit for every event?? Is your entire condo a closet? Wow, 268 likes on that picture of you holding a champagne flute…
Is that a picture of you riding a parrot in Costa Rica? Weren’t you just in France last Wednesday? How you manage to pay for all these incredible trips and how you know so many people with boats is totally beyond us. But whatever your secret is, please let us know, ‘cause we also love having the responsibilities of an infant in places with good snorkling.
61 close-ups of your face, another 84 of various reflective surfaces and about 13 photos taken by unidentified strangers who follow you everywhere… Seriously? WHY SO MANY ALL THE TIME?? Has anything changed at all in the last 72 hours? Maybe plastic surgery or a hair donation to cancer patients? No? Nothing? You still look exactly the same?? Ah, what the hell, keep ‘em coming. A 1:18 bathing suit ratio works for us.
The Exercise Extremist
Jesus, is that a fourteenth ab? We don’t think you’re actually supposed to eat the can of tuna. Nor do you really need to use reflective neon pants and a hair-straightener while you take selfies in your living room. Where is all your furniture, by the way? You know what, it doesn’t matter – it’s all about balance right? P.S. Love the music on that latest squat video.
The Pet Portfolio
No. He is NOT wearing sunglasses while he sleeps on his back. Wait, is he actually trying to change the channel now? WHY IS HE SNEEZING SO MUCH?? OMG, how do you even handle him? No, stop – I CANNOT watch another video of him singing Maroon 5 – it’s too much. You have to stop. No, seriously; f***ing stop. (Physics Note: These are in fact the same entities as The Non-Stop Couply Couple-Stuff Couple-Grammers, but just representing different positions on the Insta-Space continuum.)
The Preposterous Playboy
Gee, we wish we could take photos of our feet in a private jet and subsidize alcohol addiction for unemployed women too. And honestly, that sweater looks amazing draped over your shoulders. Does the part around your neck get any tighter? Anyway, we kindly request that you post more Dom-in-a-Robe-on-a-Balcony pics; if you can’t pick up the pace, we’re going to have to start following real celebrities.
Ok, we all like food, but a plate of empty oyster shells and a spinach salad? What’s next, a wide-angle shot of a Kraft Single on Challah bread? Let’s try to save the filtered food pics for the Michelin-esque stuff, ok? Unless it’s somewhere local we’ve never been. In which case, we expect a photo of everything on the menu.
The Hash-Tag Whore
What’s odd is that you actually want strangers who search #fun #weekend #breathing #happy #stuff #desperate #pleasefollowmeandbemyfriend to find pictures of your life. If you must, just try to pick a few key hashtags and share pics with your friends. #iftheywereactuallymadeofhashitwouldbedifferent
Pause…damit es gleich weiter geht mit der Arbeit… #HTers #HashTags #adorable #animal #animals #cute #dog #doglover #dogoftheday #dogs_of_instagram #eyes #hound #ilovemydog #instadog #instagood #instagramdogs #instapet #instapuppy #lovedogs #lovepuppies #nature #pet #pets #petsagram #petstagram #photooftheday #picoftheday #pup #puppy #beckham